In a society like ours, driven by religion, culture, and deep-rooted traditions, women not wanting kids has always been a non-negotiable and unthinkable idea. How can a woman with an inbuilt maternal instinct not want a child? Is there something wrong with her? Is she perhaps driven by Western culture, or is she under some kind of satanic influence? However, looking around at the world where there are multiple monsters in the form of social instability, environmental degradation, economic uncertainty, and moral and ethical crisis, perhaps the question that should be asked needs to be directed towards the couples who want to bring more lives into this world. Why?
Waking up to the horrific news on a daily basis has become a new norm. Be it the case of a 5-year-old girl from Haripur who was left dead in an unused well after being allegedly raped and killed, or the alleged murder of a wife at the hands of her husband, who is supposedly a professor at a reputable university, or the 7-year-old girl from Sargodha who was sexually abused in a grocery store. All such news on a daily basis might end up enforcing psychic numbing or emotional desensitization, but not when someone is thinking about their own child. Are the parents of these precious angels not careful enough, or have such predators become too frighteningly bold? Is the world around us safe, or do people feel safe in sending their kids outside? No. Or is it only a regional problem? Absolutely not. We have seen the diabolical unfolding of the Epstein files earlier this year. Is this world that we are living in, or the world where the next generation will be, safe enough? Will parents ever stop worrying about them? This question knocks on the head of each individual who has the capacity to think beyond traditional and cultural lenses.
If a child remains untouched and safe from any such horrific crime, what about the economic, infrastructural, and administrative issues that are weakening our society’s roots? What are we doing as a nation to prevent such an unfortunate incident that reportedly takes the lives of 17 infants at one time? The theories around the PIMS Islamabad incident are yet to be tested and announced, but whatever the reason behind this unfortunate incident is does not eliminate the doom that these families have witnessed. Such fire explosions have become a norm in every other hospital, and what precautions are being taken? Does it allow a family to have a child in a place that is supposed to protect them? Even if they childproof their home and keep an eagle’s eye on their surrounding but, how much is the child’s safety in their own hands?
A woman not wanting a child is considered selfish, or too career-oriented, or is told to wait for her maternal instinct to eventually kick in, but a woman wanting too many children is rarely asked whether she can provide the best possible life for each of them.
How much can our planet continue to support life? This question is hard to answer and is under the influence of several different factors, ranging from economic, political, and social to environmental catastrophes that we have witnessed in the recent past. Recent environmental changes are enough evidence to give a clue about where we are heading. The Himalayan flash floods have taken tons of lives this year, but this region has been witnessing flash floods for the past decade, where there have been loss of lives, communities, infrastructure, and whole cities. Recent UK heat and drought waves have shocked people who have been inhabiting this same place for eras and did not need air conditioners until recently.
The same is the case with wildfires, which sweep across the whole forests in the blink of an eye. This persistent global warming crisis has made it difficult for an average person to survive no matter which region they are in. What are the measures are being taken to avoid or counter these problems, except for Global summits producing grand speeches, fictional promises, and covetous political campaigns? So, the question becomes more intense: ‘What kind of planet will the child born today inherit? It's not just about providing physical safety and care, but more about the future of this planet: will it be livable if we don’t come up with the grand solution together?
My main question is: why does a woman have to justify her choice of not having children by talking about crime statistics, institutional failures, and the crises engulfing the planet, but cannot simply say, “I don’t want a child”? We hardly ever see anyone asking someone why they want a child. Why does an elaborate defence need to be prepared to justify a choice that is going to impact a woman’s life forever? A woman not wanting a child is considered selfish, immature, or too career-oriented, or is told to wait for her maternal instinct to eventually kick in, but a woman wanting too many children is rarely asked whether she can provide the best possible life for each of them. It is not a minor commitment; it is about changes to the body, health, finances, career, independence, and relationships that can last a lifetime. It has got to be a woman’s choice whether she wants to change her entire identity by embracing motherhood. Why do we need a tragedy to justify that choice?
Perhaps, instead of scrutinising the reasons for not having a child, the questions should be directed towards the reasons for having one. Is there actually a discussion about having children, or is it simply considered the natural next step after marriage: to please the parents or parents-in-law, to strengthen the marriage, to give a shut-up call to extended families constantly poking their noses in and asking about the “good news”, to have support in old age, ‘a retirement plan ’, or to carry on the family name? A marriage that needs strengthening should perhaps be approached through therapy, and an unborn child should not be invited into this world already bearing responsibilities. And what about carrying the family name? Are we in Game of Thrones? Ultimately, is a child being born because the parents genuinely want to fulfil their desire to become parents, or is the child being born because of social pressure?
This piece is not an attempt to prove that having children is a wrong choice altogether. Wanting to have a child can be a deeply meaningful and personal desire, but at the same time, not wanting children should be equally personal. Someone who does not want a child should not have to prepare an elaborate defence for that decision, just as someone who wants a child is rarely expected to defend theirs. Rather, if we are going to scrutinise the reasons for not having children, perhaps we should look just as carefully at the world we will be giving to a child if we choose to have one. Motherhood and a childfree life should not be placed on opposite ends of right and wrong; both should simply be treated for what they are: a choice.