Thinking about summer afternoons brings back old memories, making me smile without even realising it. Childhood, curiosity, and my growing list of questions. Long summer holidays and even longer afternoons!
When I used to chat with my mother (Aman), our mother-daughter relationship would disappear. It felt like two friends just laughing and having fun. I loved listening to stories, and my mother loved telling them. So, hidden behind curtains, in the colourful verandah, shielding our eyes from the hot sun, those afternoons passed quite nicely.
"Aman, how old were you when you first got your periods?" I would ask.
"Oh, what kind of things are you talking about?" Aman would look at me in surprise.
"Tell me, please." My stubbornness would grow.
"Oh dear! When I got married, I hadn't even got my periods yet."
"What? You got married without getting your periods? Were your parents so cruel?" I would exclaim.
"No, they weren't cruel. It was just the custom back then that daughters were married off as soon as possible," Aman would explain.
"So, what was the rush to get their daughter married off? Okay, then what happened about your periods after marriage?"
"Nothing! What was supposed to happen? After some time, when I got my periods, my mother-in-law (Saas) and sister-in-law (Ninand) helped me," Aman would say softly.
"Then when were your children born?" came my next question.
"For four years, nothing happened. Your father didn’t care either, and I also got to know a bit about life."
"Then?"
"Then, when I got pregnant for the first time, my heart was in my mouth! Oh God! How will I give birth now? How will I face my father and brothers?" Aman would whisper to herself.
"Did my maternal grandfather (Nana) arrange your marriage?" I would ask.
"Then who else would have arranged it?"
"Oh! I thought you ran away and got married. That’s why you wanted to hide when you got pregnant," I would say with a smile.
"What is this girl talking nonsense about?"
"You yourself just said you were in trouble after getting pregnant," I immediately demanded clarification.
"Oh, I said that because I was shy in front of my father."
"Shy about what? Didn’t they know that after marriage, there would be a husband and husband-wife relations, which would result in pregnancy? After Nana’s marriage, didn’t Nani get pregnant? Oh, I remember, not just one, there were two grandmothers… Nana had two, two..." I would say, talking on.
"Oh God! Is this girl a lawyer or what? It's hard to get rid of her… Now go away… I’m not telling you anything else."
"Oh Aman, no, no, I want to hear other such stories too. Okay, I won’t talk now. Then tell me what happened after you got pregnant?"
"It was a family custom that the first child would be born at the parents’ house," Aman would start talking again.
"Oh, where does the fake shame and modesty go when a daughter is giving birth at her parents’ house?" My tongue would move like scissors.
Now listen to what happened next, which is worth hearing.
"But I was with your father when I was giving birth. That was his wish. Then, when your older sister was born, I went to my parents’ house for the first time. Even there, I wouldn’t hold the baby in my lap in front of my mother and father."
"Didn’t they ask you where the child came from? Is it the neighbour’s child?" I would ask, smiling.
"Since you don’t care about shame or respect anymore, what can I do?"
"But what is there to be shy about? What shame? Shame about one’s own body? Shame about what happens and what is going to happen? Doesn’t everyone know that a woman’s periods are a natural process? Who doesn’t know that pregnancy happens because of sexual relations? Who doesn’t know how a child is born? So, what is there to be shy about? And what do we gain from this meaningless shame? Nothing but making a woman feel ashamed of her own body, making her spend her whole life in the worry that her body is a source of shame and natural things are disgusting!"
Gynae-feminism is for everyone, regardless of gender, and it answers countless questions that most people lose a valuable part of their lives trying to find
Last year, when I went to Karachi, I heard a university professor proudly saying at an event that she specifically tells female students to wear the jewellery of shame and modesty. She said that girls should be very careful about their personal matters, and according to her, what kind of girl is she who doesn’t have modesty in her eyes! My fingers went into my mouth in surprise, and I kept listening to her, involuntarily thinking to myself: if, in the 21st century, university students are still being fed this same old charm of knowledge, and girls who graduate have to live their lives fearfully or silently in real-life matters, then isn’t it possible that we are moving backwards?
In old customs, women were forced to accept death by being wrapped in seven veils and taught lessons of shame and modesty, but she would not open her mouth so that no one—whether close or unknown—would find out anything related to her personal life.
The understanding I gained in childhood, and the courage to speak against it—if after 50 years one still hears such old and meaningless lessons, it makes you feel like holding your head and crying.
Everyone knows and desires the result of marriage, pregnancy, and childbirth. So, what’s the point of avoiding the difficult stages of this path?
Why is it not understood that by making the life of the main player (the woman) in the game of life easier, the lives of other people also become peaceful? Otherwise, a woman drowned in the swamp of ignorance and fears will involve you in a game where everyone is destined to lose.
Believe me, gynae-feminism is for everyone, regardless of gender, and it answers countless questions that most people lose a valuable part of their lives trying to find.
Translated by Dr. Santosh Kamrani from Urdu.