Generally, it is believed in Pakistan that elders are cared for and treated deferentially. Yet, it has always varied from rural to urban areas and from poor to middle and upper classes. One observation is probably true across the regions and social classes: the elderly who own property and/or have an independent income, not dependent on children, are respected more and better treated. They obviously have more to pass on to their descendants. Elderly in villages who own land have greater influence in a family than those who depend on children, usually sons, for sustenance and care.
I have observed in Lahore’s inner-city neighbourhoods that in poor households, the elderly are set up near passages or a corner of the courtyard, somewhat peripheral to the area of family living, which is limited to begin with. In poor households, they may even get relatively little food and care. And this is seldom acknowledged, as it goes against the prevailing beliefs of Eastern familism and respect for elders, in contrast with the despised individualism of Western values.
For example, in the courtyards of nine houses and thirteen families where I lived, there were elderly people largely dwelling under the overhangs in houses. Family members passing by provided company and needed help, but otherwise, they were mostly left alone in winter and summer.
Present life patterns are also affecting the elderly’s lives in a major way. In rural areas, one son may stay in farming, while others go to cities for jobs and eventual settlement. Sometimes no grown children and their families living nearby. In many cases, those well settled may bring their parents along with their families to cities. But many more are left behind, alone and relying on relatives and friends for company and emergency care.
We need more realistic expectations of growing old: learning to be less dependent, often disappointed, on children and grandchildren
With the recent large-scale migration of young Pakistanis going abroad to work, the family dynamics are changing. Imagine millions of fathers and mothers left alone, dependent on communities and relatives. They may get remittances that make their life comfortable, but they live alone. The situation is not much different even for those staying in the country but moving to other parts and big cities for work, and after marriage, in the case of daughters. All in all, living alone is common among the elderly now, contrary to our beliefs.
The affluent do not escape living alone in old age. Their children go abroad initially for studies, but often settle permanently, getting jobs in those countries. They carry guilt about leaving their parents in their old age, particularly if they have health problems, but are swept along by their circumstances and opportunities. There are homes in DHAs, Bahria Towns, and Islamabad where an elderly person lives with servants in a house meant for a multigenerational family.
Interestingly, as mothers tend to be younger in age than fathers, they survive in their widowhood at home. The well-off are not physically alone, as servants and drivers provide company, unlike the elderly in the West. The annual visits of sons and daughters, or of a parent to their families abroad, help keep connections and mutual interests. It is all possible as long as one is well and vigorous. The sickness of parents usually precipitates a crisis in Pakistan, where there are no senior care homes, even those of private enterprises.
The functional imperatives of changing economic and social conditions are bringing new family dynamics and corresponding values and morals. The values of the Eastern family are changing, but not yet acknowledged in beliefs, literature, and expectations.
We need more realistic expectations of growing old: learning to be less dependent, often disappointed, on children and grandchildren. Maintaining good relations with children, relatives, and friends is necessary, as are relations with those compatible with one’s temperament and interests.