Despite my vast experience of the species, I simply don’t understand women. I called Jem to plan a holiday with the boys over Christmas. “Why don’t you take them to Egypt?” she suggested. “What?” I said, “and show them bad examples like the Sphinx?”
Although we were on the phone, I could feel her rolling her eyeballs. She asked slowly in that tone of hers, “And why. Is the Sphinx. A bad example?” I replied, “because it snorted coke for thousands of years until its nose fell off”. There was silence on the line. Then she said she was glad the boys were getting an education in England and not at Aitchison College in Pakistan. “What’s wrong with Pakistan?” I asked.
And then she started raving about all our great virtues like ghairat, misogyny and discrimination. “I know who you’ve been talking to,” I said. “Asma Jehangir. Admit it”. That really set her off, “AND WHAT’S WRONG WITH ASMA JEHANGIR? SHE’S ONE OF THE WORLD’S BRAVEST WOMEN!” “Look”, I said, “all she does is defend minorities and women and suchlike who’re anyway looking for one way tickets to Norway or Sweden or one of those Goody Two Shoes countries”. At that Jem started to asphyxiate because there were odd croaking sounds on the line. Sad, what being a single woman can do to the brain.
To calm myself down, I drank a tall glass of lassi and presently fell asleep. Since I had Christmas on my brain, I dreamt that I was stuffing a turkey (as opposed to another sort of bird) and the turkey said, “don’t carve me up for this but you have to admit the Sharif brothers are leading everyone a merry dance, pretending they’ve fallen out with each other. They’ll carry on buying time until the elections. Why don’t you just give up on politics?” “What?” I said, “me? Give up? Never!” To which the turkey said, “even I know when I’m done”. What a stupid thing to say, but then I’ve always liked my birds dumb.
Although we were on the phone, I could feel her rolling her eyeballs. She asked slowly in that tone of hers, “And why. Is the Sphinx. A bad example?” I replied, “because it snorted coke for thousands of years until its nose fell off”. There was silence on the line. Then she said she was glad the boys were getting an education in England and not at Aitchison College in Pakistan. “What’s wrong with Pakistan?” I asked.
And then she started raving about all our great virtues like ghairat, misogyny and discrimination. “I know who you’ve been talking to,” I said. “Asma Jehangir. Admit it”. That really set her off, “AND WHAT’S WRONG WITH ASMA JEHANGIR? SHE’S ONE OF THE WORLD’S BRAVEST WOMEN!” “Look”, I said, “all she does is defend minorities and women and suchlike who’re anyway looking for one way tickets to Norway or Sweden or one of those Goody Two Shoes countries”. At that Jem started to asphyxiate because there were odd croaking sounds on the line. Sad, what being a single woman can do to the brain.
To calm myself down, I drank a tall glass of lassi and presently fell asleep. Since I had Christmas on my brain, I dreamt that I was stuffing a turkey (as opposed to another sort of bird) and the turkey said, “don’t carve me up for this but you have to admit the Sharif brothers are leading everyone a merry dance, pretending they’ve fallen out with each other. They’ll carry on buying time until the elections. Why don’t you just give up on politics?” “What?” I said, “me? Give up? Never!” To which the turkey said, “even I know when I’m done”. What a stupid thing to say, but then I’ve always liked my birds dumb.
Im the Dim