Look at poor Raza Roomy and Hamid Mir. I’m glad Janoo doesn’t come on TV and say the things he says at home, otherwise he’d also be in hospital. Also I’m so reliefed that he doesn’t name names and show photo of They Who Can’t Be Named. Kulchoo, na, when he was little he used to read story books about a boy called Hairy Potter and in those books there was a baddie named He Who Can’t Be Named. I asked Kulchoo the other day, phir aakhir who was He?
‘The Dark Lord, Voldermort?’
‘Hai, Kulchoo,’ I said, ‘please don’t take his name. Zamana is very bad. Sensitive agencies are very sensitive at being named. Kuch pata nahin kal kya ho jaye.’ ‘There were also the Dermentors,’ he said, ‘they were the servants of the Dark Lord. Their job was to spread fear and mayhem…’
‘Uff Allah, Kulch, bus chup bhi karo.’
But Kulchoo won’t stay chup because he’s very angry. He says YouTube is already shut down. Now they’re trying to shut down Geo. And then after that it will be Facebook and then Twitter, because who knows when someone will accidentally say something to offend the sensitivities of such sensitive people? And after that, he says, we will become North Korya, with no contact with anyone.
‘Shut down Geo? Haw,’ I said, ‘tau how I will watch Mera Sultan? And my fave talent shows? Mera kya ho ga?’
‘Bilawal Bhutto’s right,’ he said. ‘This is not Pakistan, it’s Banistan. Anything you disagree with? Ban it! Ban new year parties, ban basant, ban YouTube, ban Geo, ban Malala’s book. Ban mangoes because they give too much pleasure to people.’
We were sitting outside in the garden and by this time he was shouting at the top of his lungs. And the electrician was fixing the garden lights with his big bushy beard and shalwar hitched up to his ankles. He gave us a sideways look as he stood on his ladder.
‘Kulch,’ I whispered, ‘be careful. You can’t say whatever you want. I keep telling you, zamana is very bad.’
‘That’s right,’ he said, pushing back his chair and jumping to his feet. ‘The only way to survive in Banistan is to shut your mouth, close your eyes and cover your ears.’
‘The Dark Lord, Voldermort?’
‘Hai, Kulchoo,’ I said, ‘please don’t take his name. Zamana is very bad. Sensitive agencies are very sensitive at being named. Kuch pata nahin kal kya ho jaye.’ ‘There were also the Dermentors,’ he said, ‘they were the servants of the Dark Lord. Their job was to spread fear and mayhem…’
‘Uff Allah, Kulch, bus chup bhi karo.’
But Kulchoo won’t stay chup because he’s very angry. He says YouTube is already shut down. Now they’re trying to shut down Geo. And then after that it will be Facebook and then Twitter, because who knows when someone will accidentally say something to offend the sensitivities of such sensitive people? And after that, he says, we will become North Korya, with no contact with anyone.
‘Shut down Geo? Haw,’ I said, ‘tau how I will watch Mera Sultan? And my fave talent shows? Mera kya ho ga?’
‘Bilawal Bhutto’s right,’ he said. ‘This is not Pakistan, it’s Banistan. Anything you disagree with? Ban it! Ban new year parties, ban basant, ban YouTube, ban Geo, ban Malala’s book. Ban mangoes because they give too much pleasure to people.’
We were sitting outside in the garden and by this time he was shouting at the top of his lungs. And the electrician was fixing the garden lights with his big bushy beard and shalwar hitched up to his ankles. He gave us a sideways look as he stood on his ladder.
‘Kulch,’ I whispered, ‘be careful. You can’t say whatever you want. I keep telling you, zamana is very bad.’
‘That’s right,’ he said, pushing back his chair and jumping to his feet. ‘The only way to survive in Banistan is to shut your mouth, close your eyes and cover your ears.’