The usual practice at Qalandar’s aastana (monastery) is, his mureed (followers) will surround him and pose tough questions. Hash, tabla and kathak dance are part of the menu. Qalandar’s answer would be loaded with wisdom that mureed would hold in awe.
But today, the practice was unusual. Qalandar was posing questions that mureed were supposed to answer.
‘Name the blockbuster movie of Pakistan?’
‘Sarkar (My Lord), this is an extremely easy question. Throw a tough one,’ said Ishaka Kanjar, Qalandar’s private secretary.
‘Shut up idiot. I want an answer.’ Qalandar said angrily.
‘The Legend of Maula Jatt!’ said Reshma, Qalandar’s deputy chief who is also a kathak dancer.
‘How come? It has broken all the records in Pakistan as well as abroad. At least 1 million people have watched it,’ Reshma replied back.
‘Yes, yes, yes. It was but not after October 27…’ Qalandar’s tone was mysterious.
‘Sarkar you are the wisest man on earth. We can never answer your riddles. We accept our defeat and explain in simple words what you are telling us in innuendoes,’ said Haji Noora, who has never been to Mecca but has established himself as a Haji via photoshop.
‘I know you all are nincompoops like Patay Khan. In fact, we have another blockbuster after The Legend of Maula Jatt that broke all the world records. In its first screening, it was watched by 1.393 billion people in India; 230 million in Pakistan and 10 billion in rest of the world. It received immense praise from every critic – except a few. And the amazing thing about it, it was a live movie!’
‘Live movie?’ Qalandar’s mureed did not follow him.
‘The making of The Legend of Maula Jatt took years. Then litigation started over the copyright that further delayed it for years. It cost more than 500 million rupees. Right?’ Qalandar enquired to judge whether the mureed are listening or sleeping.
‘Right, right Sarkar!’ All replied loudly.
‘It had only two heroes. They came on the set. They delivered their dialogues for 90-minutes. The entire world watched them acting live and when it was over, there was only one word on everybody’s tongue…’
‘What?’ Mureed are getting excited and curious.
‘Unbelievable! Impossible!’ These were the comments.
‘Was it The Legend of Maula Jatt-II Sarkar?’
‘Oh no idiot! It was a genuine film, original script and a story no writer could have created. The Legend of Maula Jatt is an absurd copy of the real Maula Jatt of Sultan Rahee and Mustafa Qureshi. Rahee was the hero and Qureshi was the villain. You stupids don’t listen carefully. I already mentioned that it had two heroes: one main and the other side,’ Qalandar explained.
‘How the villain acted?’ Asked one mureed.
‘The unique feature in the movie was related to the villain who never appeared on the set. The two heroes talked a lot about him. Named him. Exposed him. Showed the world his hypocrite face. He was a villain in absentia,’ Qalandar replied.
‘Sarkar who was the heroine?’
‘Idiots, it was a unique film. It was sans a heroine!’
‘Unbelievable! Impossible!’ Chanted mureed.
‘See now you too are uttering the same words that is on everybody’s tongue. And I have yet to disclose another unique aspect of this film. It had no ticket like The Legend of Maula Jatt. Bilal Lashari ripped the world off by selling expensive tickets. This was 100% free. It was on live stream on the YouTube and other social media apps. I am sure its sequels will come very soon. You must watch this movie if you have not.’
‘But Sarkar you did not tell us its name.’
‘You all are really fathers of nincompoops but still slightly better than Patay Khan. The name of this movie is: DG ISPR And DG ISI Historical Press Conference!’
‘Unbelievable! Impossible!’ Chanted mureed loudly.
‘Sarkar also name the writer, director, and producer?’
‘Success has many fathers, whereas failures are orphans. The writer, director and producer is one person but he is too humble and modest. He hates publicity. But I know him,’ Qalandar claimed.
‘Tell us his name!’
‘Showbiz Sharif! And he told me that he is telling me after taking permission from the DG-ISI,’ said Qalandar and the aastana again echoed with the slogan, ‘Unbelievable! Impossible!’