Dear friends and fellow tabdeelians,
Hi. You must have noticed how we are being ridiculed for supporting our besieged Prime Minister. I am writing this open letter to tell you: do not be disheartened. We are at the right party, I mean, on the right path. We will ‘garmi mein kharab’ no more! We are stronger. Our acting, singing, modelling, everything. Strong. Especially on Insta.
Dear brethren and sisteren, dudes and gals, buddies and chadies, I am organising a dharna at the premises of La Pompa in Karachi. They’ve just introduced a delicious dish, Duck à la Kofta. Rs. 4,885, without tax. It’s 5,050 with tax. And we should be happy to pay it to bolster the economy of our beloved momland.
We will also be serving red wine, but … fellow tabdeelians, it will be non-alcoholic. This may disappoint some of you, but, guys, we have to prove that we are good Muslims — as good as our dashing leader. You can wear whatever you want, though: dresses, suits, kameez-shalwar, jeans, T-shirt, dress shirts, stuff with sleeves, without sleeves, and even shorts (if you are a dude and like to jog).
But do bring along a tasbeeh. If you don’t have one, we will provide one. We have them in a variety of colours. Straight from Saudia. Uncle Timmy was very kind. He got some when he performed his very first hajj —- with the PM! All expenses paid. Can you believe it? Lucky b***tard.
So, bring a tasbeeh, or get one from us. And those who do not know what to do with it, we will teach you. You just have to say, “Almighty, help mighty, Almighty, help mighty, Almighty, help mighty…” over and over again. It’s very soothing, I tell you.
The ugly people ask why many of us are settled in other countries or why our children are studying abroad. It’s because of looters, dacoits, feudal lords and corrupt mafias. And now they want to oust our last hope against them. They say we are part of all the looting and dacoity. Lies. We will gladly pay the sales tax on Duck à la Kofta and also leave a big tip for the poor not-very-good-looking sod who will serve it
Dear good-lookers, now something about the dharna. We have to organise. Make ourselves heard. So, we have also organised a concert in which some of our favourite bands and musicians will perform revolutionary songs from seasons 1 to 13 of Coke Studio. Nothing from season 14, though, because none of its artistes have said a word in support of Mighty Khan. They are all sell-outs. Selling their soul to an imperialist cola company. Only we can do that. And anyway, when we did it, Coke was not that imperialistic.
I say this because it was Coke who wrote that threatening letter to beloved Mighty. It was delivered to him via the US Embassy. I know, because I saw this myself when I was there to renew my US visa. Dil toh cha raha tha that I tear off my visa. But, guys, we need to be prudent. I mean, how else would we be able to infiltrate European and American corridors of power, through malls and cafes, hotels and subways? Our fellow tabdeelians who live in the West are already embedded there and destroying their countries’ infrastructure.
Only recently, Tutu, the eldest son of aunty Ponty, insulted Jimmy Johnson, a Biden supporter in Manhattan, by refusing to eat non-halal meat at a Sunday barbecue. It was a brilliant act of sabotage and is likely to force Biden to finally make that telephone call to our PM (say, Inshallah).
Dear beautiful people, our tribe is often seen as being idiotic, gullible, vain, narcissistic, stupid, dumb, whatnot. Let’s own it. It’s actually a very Sufistic thing to do. Ask your yoga teachers and life coaches. You can also consult your therapists. They will all tell you the same. Own your stupidity. It is beautiful. Inside-out. Maybe also outside-in. In and out. Out and out. Within. Without. Feel it. Breath it. Exhale it. The vibes. The aura. The light. Let the ugly people feel jealous. And if anyone taunts you, just repeat that most brilliant line from that most brilliant TV play: “Mommy ye aap kya keh rahi hien?” And move on.
Dear tribe, after the concert, we will have Duck à la Kofta with non-alcoholic wine. But if you want to bring some beer, make sure it has less than 3.5% alcohol. Drugs are allowed too, but only 4 puffs of hashish, half tab of ecstasy, and just two sniffs of cocaine will be allowed. We have to prove that we are moderate people.
During dinner, we have organised a literary event in which some of your children will be asked to read portions from the Single National Curriculum (SNC). Readings from the SNC will help us understand our society better and also comprehend why some people want to participate in public lynchings and why others want to become suicide bombers.
I know you already realise how we stereotype those who do these things. But think about it. What else can they do? No! It’s not about them being poor or illiterate or brainwashed. It is about them being frustrated by corrupt mafias.
The ugly people ask why many of us are settled in other countries or why our children are studying abroad. It’s because of looters, dacoits, feudal lords and corrupt mafias. And now they want to oust our last hope against them. They say we are part of all the looting and dacoity. Lies. We will gladly pay the sales tax on Duck à la Kofta and also leave a big tip for the poor not-very-good-looking sod who will serve it.
Dear gorgeous folk, at the conclusion of the dharna, we have planned to prove our Muslimness and patriotism through some potent symbolic gestures. Adnan Siddique will throw two bottles of Vodka into a fiery heap, even though he is allowed to take home the rest. Then, we will all make videos on our cell phones, expressing our desire to blow up in the Parliament. Then we will leave because Toto and Fummy are having a bonfire at the French Beach.
Long live La Révolution et Duck à la Kofta.
Uncle nadeem, you are such a good comedian, why dont you join a circus…