SUCH GUP: Worried sick

Some of The Great Khan‘s mil-worshiping followers are worried sick that the famous One-Page has been torn asunder so unequivocally that there may be no going back. We hear the Guv who has Sinned, for one, has implored his leader, with folded hands, to back off and smoke the peace pipe with No 1. To this, a fly on the wall tells us, The Great Khan blew his top and told the Guv who has Sinned that there was “no place for cowards” in his Party and that he could go fly a kite if he didn’t have the stomach for the “fight that is coming”. A Sad Age, we hear, is also feeling queasy and has tried to drum some “sense” into The Great Khan’s head, to no avail. The really sensational rumour is that The Great Khan has signed two sizzlers and kept them in his bottom drawer, for use should the need arise. One calls time on the National Assembly —  and the other on that most hallowed of all offices in the country. Both dynamite. That’s why his partisans are quaking in their feet!

Meanwhile, two of The Great Khan’s most high profile mins have been making overtures to The Man of Steel’s Talented Bro — and asking for advance “forgiveness” for their sins of commission and omission. One of these is publicly so belligerent about The Brothers Sharifov that it beggars belief that he could be seeking absolution. But he is — and so is the other, currently in charge of our foreing front. The irony is that they both found out about each other’s moves, and have agreed to hush it up, lest The Great Khan get wind of their disloyalty.

There was such a fuss about a recent meeting of The Man of Steel and Makhdum AM in London — the latter being a nominal member of the late lamented Big Ben’s party. Elaborate conspiracy theories were constructed, alliances were made and unmade, electoral seat adjustments were done and undone. Alas, what actually happened was none of the above. It so happened that the Makhdum was having lunch in an outdoor cafe somewhere in Mayfair, when who should walk past but the one who once Spoke for the Nation (a stalwart of The Man of Steel’s party). The former Speaker sat down at the Makhdum’s table, and when lunch was over, invited him to come along to The Man’s office in Bayswater, at a walkable distance from their restaurant in Mayfair. So they ambled along and arrived at The Man’s door. Contrary to the conspiracy theorists, The Man and the Makhdum talked about their shared interests — in cars, designer watches and electronic devices. A fly on the wall told us that current affairs were discussed only in passing, and with no serious intent. How disappointing!

One of the notable mentions in Pandora Papers of 2021 is of a former Air Force chief‘s sons and their offshore assets. The two sons apparently registered a BVI company to invest what documents call “family business earnings” in stocks, bonds, mutual funds and real estate. It’s only when a large number of these stocks, bonds etc. took a tumble that our mole got an insight into the inner workings of this remarkably “talented” family. Said one of the former air chief’s sons to a confidant, “easy come, easy go”. When deconstructed, this points to the series of commissions and kickbacks on arms purchases that began in the mid-90s and went on accumulating well into the 2000s. When the Pandora Papers journos reached out to the family for comment, no one was available.