One of my biggest fears in life is demonic possession. It is a phobia I have been fighting ever since I saw The Exorcist at a sleepover party many years ago. The fear is real, guys. I didn’t sleep peacefully for three months after watching that movie. Since then, every two or three years, I get what I call an ‘episode’. I can’t sleep for a few months, I become insanely obsessed with the thought that someone is around me, and I become paranoid that I will open my eyes and see something that I cannot handle. No matter how stupid it may sound, my fear of demonic possession is worse than bad. It is debilitating. Really.
Now, just to clarify, I am no Lars Von Trier (seriously, Google this guy if you haven’t already heard about him) and I am not afraid of just about everything in this world. Just this past Sunday, I noticed that a honeybee was trapped inside my car as I was driving. Did I impulsively stop the car in the middle of the road and potentially cause an accident? No. Did I scream and lose control? No. I just simply drove my car to the side of the road and rolled down a window. Guys, back when every house would become infested with lizards and mango bugs in the summer, I could sleep in a room full of critters and not bother. I remember this one time, two lizards were straight up copulating in my bedroom, and I didn’t care. Therefore, I am not a coward. But demonic possession terrifies me. Why am I telling you all this? Well, I have another phobia. It’s just as bad, and I really wanted you to know exactly how bad it is.
"Why wouldn't I eat it? Salmonella is my favorite pizza at Cosa"
***
Every year, Mona Churri hosts a grand dinner where everyone who is anyone is invited. Her best friend Madiha is always at the top of the list, but only because she runs the social scene in Lahore. Many years ago, Madiha married a man who later became a business tycoon and an ‘international millionaire’ i.e. his wealth would still be in the millions if converted into dollars. Today, Madiha is happily married with two kids - a boy and a girl. Let me tell you something about this girl that my mother so vehemently envies (on my behalf, of course). Myra is my age. She has beautiful long hair and a perfectly pointed nose. She has traveled more than anyone in the city, and is probably familiar with watchmakers we common rich people are too poor to even be aware of. Nonetheless, when I tell most people about Myra’s public tantrums, they almost always assume that I’m talking about a cat. Snappy, rude, aloof, and always in a world of her own - it can be stated that she is, almost certainly, dim. Now, it baffles me to think that someone as well-travelled and exposed as Myra could be that stupid. And I question myself repeatedly for judging her so. But today, at this dinner, Myra yet again proved her intellect. She was seated next to me at the table, and as she sliced through her Chicken Parm, I noticed it was raw. Instinctively, I grabbed her fork. ‘Don’t eat that!’ I exclaimed. “That’s definitely Salmonella in hiding.” Myra turned to look at me and rolled her eyes. “Why wouldn’t I eat it? Salmonella is my favorite pizza at Cosa.”
Reading the news gives me anxiety. I don’t that my anxiety stems from the fear of reading anything that would break my heart- like most of us, I am somewhat immune to that feeling, or have adapted to ignore it. Rather, it reminds me of the fact that there are people in this city who will immediately know details that I don’t. They will come to conclusions that I cannot. They will decipher the inner story before the New York Times does. I fear that my intellect may not carry me as far as I would like. In other words, I have a severe case of FOMO (that’s ‘fear of missing out’ for those of you who are in their forties or whatever). Now, as I have grown older, I have learned to accept that fact that I cannot possibly attend every single event just so I can talk about it with my friends. It’s the fear of missing out on information that drives me crazy. It makes me highly insecure. The struggle is real, but it has taught me one thing - there is seriously nothing more powerful than knowledge.
Salmonella, which is not seafood
***
Usually, Mona did not care to keep up with current affairs. It was something she had never done and it was something she didn’t need to. Her world revolved around her friends and her kids, and there was nothing that mattered to her beyond her bubble. She had never inquired about politics, or voted, or even surfed the Internet for fun. However, on this day, Mona had received some disturbing news that impacted her directly. The Panama Papers was all anybody talked about at her dinner this evening. Normally, she would have left the men to indulge in such conversation, but a friend of a friend had whispered something in her ear. For the first time ever, Mona was curious. It was rumoured that some of Madiha’s husband’s business associates might have been mentioned in the leak, which meant that her best friend was nothing short of an international billionaire. This broke Mona’s heart. It gave her a headache and stole her sleep for days on end. She would have given anything in the world for a kismet (destiny) like that.
