I often think I’m lucky to be a published author with prospects – I love that I can tell people I’m “working on my next book” when all I’m doing is updating my Facebook page, tweeting, and sleeping 14 hours a day. The tag of underpaid author who stands to be screwed over by greedy publishers, the digital media, and an almost illiterate audience is a decent cover for an unemployed bum who waits anxiously for the new season of House of Cards.
However, there are times when I wonder whether I would not be better off snapping at earnest young graduates and pretending to be all stressed out at a regular desk job, with decent perks, a generous salary and guiltless coffee breaks. Those times usually coincide with my book readings, where I am likely to meet the following species:
The Attacker
This person comes into his own at the Q&A session – really, why do they have those? He has decided, without reading your book and without intending to, that he hates you. He will stand up and set out to prove that your research is not deep enough, that your title is misleading, that your book does not cover the scope of his worldview, and that you generally have a personal vendetta against him. I have had a doctor tell me that 30 interviewees is not a good enough “sample size”. I have had a septuagenarian housewife tell me that my book looks at women who are too young to have “the right opinion” about marriage. I have had several people tell me that I am biased for interviewing 25 women and 5 men for a book about women’s attitudes to marriage.
The Idea-Giving Autobiography Provider
This person will start off by telling you what sort of book you should have written. He or she will suggest what your next work of fiction or non-fiction should be. Then (s)he will reveal that (s)he buried the lead, with this pronouncement, accompanied by a coy downward look: “In my life also, I have experience so much.” (S)he will then proceed to provide you – and the rest of the already fidgety audience – with a detailed account of an extremely boring life. It usually goes something like, “I think you young people should write more about the brain drain into the USA and Europe. See, I have four sons who are all settled in the States. And when I go there for six months of the year, I look at their infrastructure, and think how our country can do so much more, and we can achieve so much more, if we only had the same infrastructure.”
[quote]"But can you at least tell me what percentage is autobiographical?[/quote]
The Autobiography Hunter
I am not sure whether this person is out to prove that you are not qualified to write the book, or to find out everything they can about your personal life. But at every book reading, someone wants to know “to what extent your book is autobiographical”. I once told a lady that mine was a work of non-fiction, and the autobiography will be apparent when I say “I”. She asked, with unwarranted desperation, “But can you at least tell me what percentage is autobiographical?Are you married? Have you had an arranged marriage? If so, are you happy in the marriage?” Okay, lady, would you like to know my chaddi size while you’re at it?
The Moneyless Buyer
I have never been to a book reading where someone has not come up to me with a book to sign and said, “Hi. I am not carrying any money at present, but can I have my driver drop off the money to you tomorrow?” I am not sure whether they have me confused with a fisherwoman hawking her catch at a market, or whether they assume all writers buy a number of their books and stack them up at readings, with the hope of selling for a profit. I am not sure whether they came with the intention of going back empty-handed and were charmed into a purchase by my quips. But they want the book, they have no money, and they expect a solution from me.
The Autograph Prospector
This person’s motives are admirably clear. (S)he has no intention of spending money on your book, but will ask for your autograph on a scrap of paper, in the hope that it may be worth something on the off-chance that you become famous.
The Advice Asker
Some people wash up at book readings in the hope that their brilliance will be recognised by your publisher. In order to draw attention to themselves, they will stand up and ask you in a version of English, “Kindly please give your advice for aspiring novelists.” I usually suggest they write in a language in which they are comfortable. They tend to take offence.
The Quid-Pro-Quo Interviewer
The kind people in the marketing department of my publishing house line up interviews for me. These reporters act like they are doing me an enormous favour, which I am duty-bound to reciprocate. One sent me her resume with a peremptory order to find her a job “using [my] contacts” in my city. Another sent me an outline of her dissertation project for advice. A third sent me his pitch for a novel, and asked whether I could please send it to my publishers “through the right channels.”
The Misquoter
Apparently, it is the fashionable thing to do for journalists to dispense with a recorder. And so, rather often, I find myself unpleasantly surprised by things I am purported to have said. I also discovered that I had written the world’s first “non-fiction novel” and “semi-fictional autobiography”.
The Unsolicited Mentor
This person is usually in his or her fifties, has self-published a flop book, and had a spat with the publisher who was set to publish it before (s)he took it into his or her own hands. (S)he tells you (s)he is here to rescue you from a similar fate. Before you know it, you’re assigned a poorly-written novel to copy edit.
The Nouveau Riche Promoter
For some reason, there is a trend of socialites trying to buy the literati into their social circle. In these people’s houses, an original M F Husain painting will hang alongside a 5-dollar print of the Empire State Building. Vikram Seth, John Grisham, the Bible and Richard Dawkins will cosily cohabit the bookshelves. You are asked to a literary dinner and find yourself among ten diffident writers and fifty socialites who want selfies with every author because they’re not sure which one in the gathering has won a Nobel Prize, or whether that’s the same thing as a Booker.
However, there are times when I wonder whether I would not be better off snapping at earnest young graduates and pretending to be all stressed out at a regular desk job, with decent perks, a generous salary and guiltless coffee breaks. Those times usually coincide with my book readings, where I am likely to meet the following species:
The Attacker
This person comes into his own at the Q&A session – really, why do they have those? He has decided, without reading your book and without intending to, that he hates you. He will stand up and set out to prove that your research is not deep enough, that your title is misleading, that your book does not cover the scope of his worldview, and that you generally have a personal vendetta against him. I have had a doctor tell me that 30 interviewees is not a good enough “sample size”. I have had a septuagenarian housewife tell me that my book looks at women who are too young to have “the right opinion” about marriage. I have had several people tell me that I am biased for interviewing 25 women and 5 men for a book about women’s attitudes to marriage.
The Idea-Giving Autobiography Provider
This person will start off by telling you what sort of book you should have written. He or she will suggest what your next work of fiction or non-fiction should be. Then (s)he will reveal that (s)he buried the lead, with this pronouncement, accompanied by a coy downward look: “In my life also, I have experience so much.” (S)he will then proceed to provide you – and the rest of the already fidgety audience – with a detailed account of an extremely boring life. It usually goes something like, “I think you young people should write more about the brain drain into the USA and Europe. See, I have four sons who are all settled in the States. And when I go there for six months of the year, I look at their infrastructure, and think how our country can do so much more, and we can achieve so much more, if we only had the same infrastructure.”
[quote]"But can you at least tell me what percentage is autobiographical?[/quote]
The Autobiography Hunter
I am not sure whether this person is out to prove that you are not qualified to write the book, or to find out everything they can about your personal life. But at every book reading, someone wants to know “to what extent your book is autobiographical”. I once told a lady that mine was a work of non-fiction, and the autobiography will be apparent when I say “I”. She asked, with unwarranted desperation, “But can you at least tell me what percentage is autobiographical?Are you married? Have you had an arranged marriage? If so, are you happy in the marriage?” Okay, lady, would you like to know my chaddi size while you’re at it?
The Moneyless Buyer
I have never been to a book reading where someone has not come up to me with a book to sign and said, “Hi. I am not carrying any money at present, but can I have my driver drop off the money to you tomorrow?” I am not sure whether they have me confused with a fisherwoman hawking her catch at a market, or whether they assume all writers buy a number of their books and stack them up at readings, with the hope of selling for a profit. I am not sure whether they came with the intention of going back empty-handed and were charmed into a purchase by my quips. But they want the book, they have no money, and they expect a solution from me.
The Autograph Prospector
This person’s motives are admirably clear. (S)he has no intention of spending money on your book, but will ask for your autograph on a scrap of paper, in the hope that it may be worth something on the off-chance that you become famous.
The Advice Asker
Some people wash up at book readings in the hope that their brilliance will be recognised by your publisher. In order to draw attention to themselves, they will stand up and ask you in a version of English, “Kindly please give your advice for aspiring novelists.” I usually suggest they write in a language in which they are comfortable. They tend to take offence.
The Quid-Pro-Quo Interviewer
The kind people in the marketing department of my publishing house line up interviews for me. These reporters act like they are doing me an enormous favour, which I am duty-bound to reciprocate. One sent me her resume with a peremptory order to find her a job “using [my] contacts” in my city. Another sent me an outline of her dissertation project for advice. A third sent me his pitch for a novel, and asked whether I could please send it to my publishers “through the right channels.”
The Misquoter
Apparently, it is the fashionable thing to do for journalists to dispense with a recorder. And so, rather often, I find myself unpleasantly surprised by things I am purported to have said. I also discovered that I had written the world’s first “non-fiction novel” and “semi-fictional autobiography”.
The Unsolicited Mentor
This person is usually in his or her fifties, has self-published a flop book, and had a spat with the publisher who was set to publish it before (s)he took it into his or her own hands. (S)he tells you (s)he is here to rescue you from a similar fate. Before you know it, you’re assigned a poorly-written novel to copy edit.
The Nouveau Riche Promoter
For some reason, there is a trend of socialites trying to buy the literati into their social circle. In these people’s houses, an original M F Husain painting will hang alongside a 5-dollar print of the Empire State Building. Vikram Seth, John Grisham, the Bible and Richard Dawkins will cosily cohabit the bookshelves. You are asked to a literary dinner and find yourself among ten diffident writers and fifty socialites who want selfies with every author because they’re not sure which one in the gathering has won a Nobel Prize, or whether that’s the same thing as a Booker.