Nietzsche may have felt as if he was onto something when he said that it wasn’t a lack of love, but a lack of friendship, that helped make unhappy marriages. But all the man’s wisdom comes to naught when it comes to Pakistan. For you see, in our country, marriage is not some silly thing that has to be built and nurtured for years – it is the ultimate solution to numerous problems that we deal with everyday! Move aside marriage counsellors for you know not what you speak of.
An assortment of older and wiser ladies including our Phuppos, Chaachis and Mumaanis will tell you that marriage can help fix everything. It can be the balm that soothes any and every wound. Are you someone who can’t be trusted to make any decisions on their own? Do you have trouble holding onto a job? Do people shudder at the thought of you managing any money, even if it is you who it belongs to? Well then, marriage is for you! One wedding and you’ll sober right up!
We all know the brilliant influence a new spouse can have on a person; in our culture getting married immediately tames people into becoming exemplary citizens and model human beings. The best part is that you don’t even have to pay any of the wedding expenses, your mommy, daddy, and a bunch of your rishteydars, will take care of it for you!
Think about it, have you been constantly called immature and irresponsible? Are you lazier than a housecat that sleeps all day? Well marriage can help transform you into quite the catch. You are instantaneously promoted to the status of an adult, and whether you ever behave like one is absolutely beside the point. You are a grown man/woman with a significant other that depends on you, that is all that counts.
Ambrose Bierce once said that love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage. What he didn’t know was that in our part of the world insanity itself can be cured by marriage. Why we have a ton of stories about people with all forms of disabilities, be it mental or physical, who got married and waved goodbye to all their problems. People have even recovered from irreversible things such as autism, Down Syndrome, epilepsy, and even impotency, simply by getting a wife or husband. If they can do it, so can you!
So, you’re always out late and partying till you drop with nothing to show for your life? Are you like a cute little juvenile delinquent who likes to assert their authority in situations where they have none? Are you battling a drug or alcohol related problem? Well worry no more, invest in a wedding today so that your life, too, can become the very pinnacle of success. Our culture tells us that absolutely irresponsible people cease all reprehensible activities as soon as the pressure of a spouse is levied upon them. They stop at once and change everything about their personalities immediately.
And ladies, don’t wait for the old aunties in your life to say things like “sir pe paregi phir pata chalayga”. If you have no interest in a career and are absolutely terrible at any housework then you too should look into getting married. After all being someone’s wife beats being anything else any day of the week. Bask in your mutual glory – there is a woman behind every successful man and YOU can be that woman!
Remember, the best age to tie the knot is as young as possible, folks. That way you can really grow with the person (we all know that it’s easier to get used to things when we’re younger). People often talk about waiting till one is older and potentially wiser before entering a -most likely lifetime commitment with someone, but those people are only wannabes who are too influenced by the West. Now the West will try to lie to us and tell us that we need to be stable and sound in our lives before we can tie the knot. They talk about how a marriage is about the other person just as much as it is about you, but what do they know? Have you seen their divorce rates? You know marriage in this culture holds people together until the very moment that they cease to exist. It is an unbreakable bond where even if you break as a person your little family continues to flourish. When we die no one is going to remember our struggles with marriage, but they will remember that we were married to someone, and that is all that matters.
Celebs are calling it the miracle cure to a dying career. Even Veena Malik hopped on the marriage wagon when she realized how absolutely promising it could be for her. Her not-nude-but-nude-art-painting-thing got her some traction in the mainstream media but it was nothing like the firestorm that erupted because of her conversion back to a good wholesome woman who wanted to do nothing but stand by her mijazi khuda.
Now sometimes people complain about their license to wed not delivering results the kind of results they thought it would. But don’t worry yourself over such trivial matters; you know what else comes free with a license to wed? A license to procreate! Create an army of little tots who will grow up to be just like you. Don’t waste anymore time. Get married today!