Qalandar, a fictional character, is Mohammad Shehzad’s brainchild. From the powerful to the poor – all visit his aastana (monastery) for advice. He disappoints none!
Scene: Imran Khan has been shot injured. The country is in the grip of violent protests. The foreign media is at Qalandar’s aastana.
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Qalandar allows a lady reporter from NSNN (Not Sure News Network) to pose the first question, for she is beautiful and a senior journalist.
“So, Mr Calendar who is behind this attack?”
Qalandar does not mind the incorrect pronunciation. It is difficult for a foreigner to pronounce his name correctly.
“The enemies of our heavenly motherland, the Islamic Republic of Pakistan (undoubtedly, also a citadel of Islam) have launched a smearing campaign against our chivalrous army as well as the most popular holy warrior General B.”
“Half a bullet or perhaps a whole (they will be reported as hundreds by the Youth on social media by the time you will premier this presser) slightly touched Khan’s leg. Minutes within, he had reached the culprits in the wounded state and the Youth had widely exposed them via the Youth Social Media (YSM): Prime Minister Shahbaz Sharif, Interior Minister Rana Sanaullah and a Major General No Sir,” Qalandar responded.
“But the enraged Youth are protesting outside the GHQ and corps commanders’ offices and chanting loudly the famous 1969 jingle ‘Ayub Kutta Haye Haye!’ with a slight improvement! This was a fresh graduate from a madrassa who had just joined the biggest US TV channel Live Without Looking for Facts (L-WOLF) as senior apprentice. L-WOLF is the most credible US channel owned by George W. Bush.
“The spectacle is a clumsy YSM production just like its last in which an unknown actress was presented as the mother of the slain Arshad Sharif. A handful of Youth outside unknown gates are bringing a bad name to the world’s most loyal pet i.e. dog. But the cameraman has forgotten to shoot the army of guards that we see outside the ‘holy gates!’ So, General B or any corps commander should not take these doctored clips seriously. They should be taken as the ‘barking paper dogs.”
“Who is the political mastermind?” asked Barbara, a senior reporter from Blair Brings The Truth (BBT). In fact, BBT broke the weapons of mass destruction (WMD) scoop in 2002.
“First, let me thank you for inviting me to your 19th birthday yesterday. I am still under the revelry’s spell!”
“The mastermind is a Zionist who is holding back Prime Minister Shehbaz Sharif from naming the new chief. He the Lucifer fallen from heaven who jinxed B for a moment and he accepted the extension. His name would have never replaced Ayub’s had he followed in his senior’s footsteps, who declined an extension in 1996 and after the retirement, never appeared in public. He is still living a very quiet life in Rawalpindi.”
“Whose brainchild was the ISI-ISPR joint presser?” asked Michael from the Tom, Dick And Harry Youtube Channel.
“Lucifer might have instilled this ill-conceived idea that condemned the two innocent generals to capture a pawn against the queen. But let bygones be bygones. It is the time to start again with a clean slate.”
“With what new writing?” asked Shelly, the senior host of Rumours As News(RAN) at Polygraph-proof Lies Network(PPLN), Donald Trump’s un-Official TV channel.
“Our first prime minister Liaquat Ali Khan was first of all invited by the former USSR to visit after the creation of Pakistan in 1947. But we turned down this invitation because we are Muslims, and communists are atheist. So, we decided to forge a strong alliance with the US. Unfortunately, we learnt nothing from it. The US Supreme Court has no retirement age. Through a constitutional amendment, we must allow the army chief to stay in power as long as he does not kick the bucket. One of Pakistan’s most powerful rulers was the paralysed Governor General Ghulam Mohammad (1951-1955). This will be the panacea for all the political ills. But we must strengthen our laws. Any social media nuance against the army or its chief, mild or harsh, direct or in innuendoes, should be declared sacrilege. This unholy sin is punishable with death!” answered Qalandar.
“But then we will be flooded with Pakistani asylum-seekers!” shouted all the journalists and Qalandar had to call off the presser.
