Yet another saazish has been cast against me. It is shameful that my opponents are so vicious in this game where I have pledged to play till the aakhri gaind. They don’t have to go so below the belt! I only stooped low enough to ridicule Bilawal for failing to be as macho as myself, and to beg his father, ghaddar Zardari, to teach him the basics of the Urdu language. Even for PML-N, all I said about ghaddar SS was that he is a show-baaz and the max I called him was cherry blossom! As a decent man, I merely reminded Maryam that Safdar Saab may take offence to her constant mentioning of myself in her political speeches. In return, these traitors repay me with leaked audio conversations of my current wife who happens to be a spiritual healer. Hadd ho gaye hai, yaar! To top this all up, I’m sorry, but this referral to my government as being “incompetent” is preposterous. I didn’t cause this economic crisis! I’m no expert on economy. I had to sell my watch to build a road. How is it my fault when I have such limited resources to work with?
Besides, who said competence wasn’t a priority in my government? I held a prize distribution ceremony for all my ministers, rating their performances in February (a month before my government toppled). Public has such short-term memory, yaar! Before distributing prizes, I specifically reminded everyone of the shame I felt as a schoolboy in Aitchison when my abysmal results would be displayed on the school notice board. I wanted to inflict the same public shame upon the non-performing ministers, and I wished to publicly award the competent ministries. Murad, my most competent man, earned the top prize as he handled all my Communications, and please bear in mind that – in government, “communications is everything!”
I always saw the potential in Murad. But my faith in him peaked in 2017 when Javed Latif referred to me as a ghaddar in the parliament and after the session, Murad initiated a phadda with him, leading to Latif’s apology. All this over Latif’s referral to me as a traitor! Certainly, this is the level of loyalty I deserve. MashAllah, this is a quality shared by all my men. Mere kehne par Alvi dissolved the entire NA based on ghaddari. Suri helped with that, too! Loyalist to the core, he is always advising me to give my speeches an Islamic touch for special appeal. Unfortunately, he had to carry a cheat sheet on him while dissolving the NA, but anyway, who’s perfect? Even Qaiser’s last sledge through the elevator doors upon my government’s ousting has been captured by the media for posterity. Yes, they are all work in progress, but surely better than the unreliable electables that have been parachuted into my party!
Murad is an excellent executioner. Of course, a ministry like Communications deserves input from all sources, including myself and Bushra Bibi. As I said, my wife, Bushra Bibi, is a holy healer. She and her entire family have selfless interests in the furtherance of my agendas. Even her ex-husband is full of praises for me and admits that our relationship is spiritual, as I consider their household my murshid-khana. Upon their advice, I started donning a ring to protect myself from assassination that Bibi has predicted. So what if she is involved in my party Communications? She just wants to drown the Gogi Express in the sea of the ghaddari narrative which was also used for dissolving the NA. What a bad strategy leak! Shame on the government! Talk about playing fair. This isn’t brand new information! Waisay bhi, sanctity of marriage trumps sanctity of the Constitution!
Focus on competence was exemplified by the performance management system set up by Shehzad Arbab and I. Murad met all his Communications goals. Media tou media, social media, SubhanAllah! Proof of his performance lies in how my entire fan base still blindly believes in the US conspiracy. They also criticise Miftah and Dar, but there is little acknowledgement of the fact that I juggled four FMs! People in Karachi thought that since Asad Umar had managed corporations so well, he could also manage the whole nation’s finances! Socho, what a disappointment, unlike Murad.
Lastly, Bibi, has predicted that I will be assassinated while I’m in the office of the PM. My future PMship and assassination are like writing on the wall. As far as clarifications are concerned, we meant no harm to the US by outing the secret document. I know it seemed like an over-reaction over a diplomatic communique, but in my defense, I had asked Azam, “let’s play with it!”. Since I’m a man of principles, I admit – Donald Lu ko aik apology toh banti hai!
FYI: Mohsin Baig gave my bond with Murad such a nasty spin, but oh well, he was properly dealt with by my people, to say the least. Again, saazishein against me know no bounds. Regardless of their conspiracies, I have earned another World Cup – being the only PM to be ousted by a VONC in the history of Pakistan. No saazish can take that away from me!