IK Unveils New Plan: A Speech

Note: This is a work of satire

My dear humwatano. I, as in me, and myself and my — want to tell you, how saddening it is for me, as in I, and myself and me — to watch the way you are being made to suffer oppression, repression, suppression and depression due to the policies of this imported government. There is now no doubt left in my mind — and thus, since it is in my mind, therefore, it should be in yours too — that I was ousted by a conspiracy hatched in Washington DC by CIA, ISI, PDM, CNN and BBC.

My dear humbadano, as in fellow bodies aspiring to have a body like mine; I, as in I alone, am capable of ending your misery and anguish and sorrow and grief. I was thoroughly moved by the pain you expressed when the conspirators ousted me in what was really an international coup d’etat against a legitimate government in Pakistan. I was legally selected.

I was thoroughly moved when millions upon millions upon some more millions poured out on the streets to protest against my illegitimate ouster. Alas, the media was not allowed to report this. Only ARY and BOL were brave enough to show the protests. They are true revolutionary channels. So, I appeal to all large multinational companies to give them more and more and some more ads so that they can continue fighting the good fight and save Pakistan with me. That’s how multinationals helped Mao Tse Tung as well.

Lifafa journalists and anchors who were also a part of the great conspiracy against me, are spreading fake news about me. Me no care. Because me big leader. Me will protect Pakistan from breaking into three pieces: North Punjab, Central Punjab, and South Punjab.

Me will protect Pakistan’s nuclear assets that this imported government wants to get rid off for just a few trillion dollars from imperialist US and Islamophobic Europe and capitalist IMF and Zionist Israel and Javed Miandad. Me don’t need them. Me will fight them. Me.

So, keeping watching ARY and Bol. Also, Haqeeqat TV. Mahshallah, me has a very powerful and committed social media team. Alhamdulillah, they were the first to post pictures of millions upon millions and some more millions who came out during my Azadi march. Some lifafa journalists said that the pics were of unrelated demonstrations in Palestine, London, Beirut, etc. Fools. What these lifafas didn’t tell you was that during Azadi march, millions poured out in these cities as well. Just for me. Me.

Why? Well, isn’t it obvious? I am considered to be leader of ummah. Ask Aunty Banto and Uncle Toto and their children who live in the US. They will tell you. Do you think ummah was happy when I was ousted by military, PDM, US and Israel? Dr. Shireen Mazari says Rwanda and Guatemala were also involved in the conspiracy. The list is growing. So keep watching ARY and Bol for more revelations. Also follow Dr.Shireen Mazari on Twitter.

My dear followers, I must also mention the name of Comrade Farah Gogi. She is an inspiration for poor women who want to become self-made billionaires. This is true socialism. And as you all know, I was working day and night, from Mondays to Sundays to turn Pakistan into a pious-Islamic-welfare-Scandinavian-democratic-neo-capitalist-socialist-Maoist-Trumpian-caliphate. I am a very complex man. But then, most intelligent and handsome men are. Me.

Before further ado, I want to share with you my next grand plan of action. I am planning another long march. Me and my helicopter are ready. Are you? About 2.5 million people were gathered at D Chowk during my last Azadi march. Now I want at least 10.5 million. I left after 15 minutes because I’m a peace-loving man. I didn’t want 2.5 million people to storm state institutions. I want 10.5 million people to do that.

My helicopter will march from Peshawar and land on a container at D Chowk amidst the applause of 10.5 million people. They will cheer and sing revolutionary songs penned by Choudhry Ghulam Hussain. My minions will make short speeches praising me. I will then stand up to make a speech praising myself. It will be yet another historic speech. The whole ummah will be listening. Me.

I will tell ummah how Islamophobic forces inside and outside Pakistan conspired to oust me to break Pakistan, steal its nuclear weapons and smash Islam. I will tell them that I and I alone can stop this from happening. As you all know, I and I alone has already started doing this through ARY and Twitter. Next is Instagram.

I warn the police and the neutrals and the government that if they touch even a single follower of mine, I will block them on Twitter. Then I plan to get in touch with the neutrals whose numbers I have blocked on my phone. So, I will use Asad Umer’s phone to get in touch with them. I will tell them, “Oyyye, janwar! Come save Pakistan with me and me alone. Let’s build a naya Pakistan called Imranistan!”

I am convinced that the more visionary and patriotic among them who are supporting me, will convince their seniors that I, as in me, as in I alone and only, can restore their institution’s reputation. They will capitulate. Then brother judges of Supreme Court will declare imported government as illegitimate and force new elections that I will sweep, inshallah, mahshallah, alhumdulillah subhanallah. It will be the birth of the Islamic Scandinavian Socialist Capitalist Electro Magnetic Caliphate of Imranistan. If I lose, then look out for my helicopter landing in D Chowk again, inshallah, mahshallah, alhumdulillah subhanallah.

I will reject all IMF deals signed by this government and continue my mission to bankrupt Pakistan. Because remember, fellow future Imranistanis: Bankruptcy leads to sovereignty and true Azadi. Look at Afghanistan. They have nothing. Their economy has collapsed. Their are no schools, hospitals, nothing. But at least they are free.

So come one, come all. See you in Islamabad. Rather, come see me. Me alone.