Again I am ass fixiating. That’s my new word na. I learnt it from Janoo. It means choking. I am ass fixiating not because I have Covid, God forbid, but because air is so dirty, so dirty with all this smock shock kay my lungs have gone on strike. It’s like they’ve got jammed inside. And my throat is sarrhoing. And my eyes keep watering. And my mascara keeps running away also. And the guvmunt is least bothered. Least bothered about mehngai, least bothered about dengue, least bothered about smock. Least bothered about my Land Comb kamascara. Honestly!
Kulchoo says we are top on the list of the world’s most polluted cities. We are more polluted than Delhi, more than Bay Jing, more than Mumbai, more than Jakarta, more than everyone else. I said chalo Kulchoo at least we are top in something. Makes a nice sa change, no.
Kulchoo made a noise in his throat like he was ass fixiating and his eyes turned up to the ceiling when I said that. But then he recovered thanks God, and he said that that wasn’t strictly true because we are top in 20-20 cricket at the moment. ‘Haan,’ I said, ‘Kulchoo that tau I’d forgotten. You are right. That boy who’s captain, what’s his name, haan, Mughla-e-Azam, he’s beaten everybody.’
‘He’s brilliant. But for the record his name is not Mughal-e-Azam,’ said Kulchoo, ‘it’s Babar Azam.’
‘Dekha na, I knew there was a Mughal connection!Babar being first Mughal Emperor and all, as I learnt inthe Convent of Jesus and Mary in my history class with Mrs Daniel. You are knowing him Kulchoo?’
‘Who? Babar the Emperor. No Ma. He died 500 years ago.’
‘Oho, baba, I’m talking of the other Babar. Who’s not an emperor.’
‘Babar Azam?’
‘Yes him only.’
‘No Ma I don’t know him.’
‘Then how you can say he is brilliant?’
‘Because he’s a great a batsmen. Everyone says that. He may win us the 20-20 World Cup.’
‘Hai Kulchoo touch your ears. I don’t mind winning cricket ka World Cup again but please pray kay we don’t get stuck up with what comes after.’
‘What comes after?’
‘Like last time we won, you were not born then, but that Cup turned out to be very mehnga for us. I’m sure this capatin boy is very nice and all, but please let him stay Mughal-e-Azam only and not become Vazir-e-Azam, okay? Because otherwise I think so this all of us will ass fixiate for once and for all.’
ENDS ENDS
Kulchoo says we are top on the list of the world’s most polluted cities. We are more polluted than Delhi, more than Bay Jing, more than Mumbai, more than Jakarta, more than everyone else. I said chalo Kulchoo at least we are top in something. Makes a nice sa change, no.
Kulchoo made a noise in his throat like he was ass fixiating and his eyes turned up to the ceiling when I said that. But then he recovered thanks God, and he said that that wasn’t strictly true because we are top in 20-20 cricket at the moment. ‘Haan,’ I said, ‘Kulchoo that tau I’d forgotten. You are right. That boy who’s captain, what’s his name, haan, Mughla-e-Azam, he’s beaten everybody.’
‘He’s brilliant. But for the record his name is not Mughal-e-Azam,’ said Kulchoo, ‘it’s Babar Azam.’
‘Dekha na, I knew there was a Mughal connection!Babar being first Mughal Emperor and all, as I learnt inthe Convent of Jesus and Mary in my history class with Mrs Daniel. You are knowing him Kulchoo?’
‘Who? Babar the Emperor. No Ma. He died 500 years ago.’
‘Oho, baba, I’m talking of the other Babar. Who’s not an emperor.’
‘Babar Azam?’
‘Yes him only.’
‘No Ma I don’t know him.’
‘Then how you can say he is brilliant?’
‘Because he’s a great a batsmen. Everyone says that. He may win us the 20-20 World Cup.’
‘Hai Kulchoo touch your ears. I don’t mind winning cricket ka World Cup again but please pray kay we don’t get stuck up with what comes after.’
‘What comes after?’
‘Like last time we won, you were not born then, but that Cup turned out to be very mehnga for us. I’m sure this capatin boy is very nice and all, but please let him stay Mughal-e-Azam only and not become Vazir-e-Azam, okay? Because otherwise I think so this all of us will ass fixiate for once and for all.’
ENDS ENDS