So, I’ve had this really difficult conversation and I have SUCH a splitting headache and I’d rather not write this diary but then I think, if I don’t put pen to paper, history will be the loser. Apart from my best friend and enabler of course. Loser, that is.
Me: Hello, hello, hello.
B: Hello.
Me: Milk is my favourite drink. Would you like some milkshake? Which flavor?
B: No milk, thanks. Regarding Fai—
Me: Favourite flavour? Please tell, am waiting eagerly to ask you your favourite flavour.
B: Not favourite flavour; what I really want to talk to you about is this long-delayed posti—
Me: Posti?!! Who?!! Me?!! It’s all propaganda, I assure you. Never, EVER, have I been a posti! What nonsense.
B: Sigh. Please. Just let me complete my senten—
Me: Sentence? Yes, yes. I’ve been waiting for you to sentence Shahbaz Sharif, bung him into prison and throw away the key. Why hasn’t that happened so far? WHY? OH WHY?
B: Can You Please. Calm. Down?
Me: Whomecalmdowncalmdowncalmdown?? WhenhaveIeverbeenfranticortenseornervouseverEVER?!
B: (LO-O-O-ONG SILENCE)
ME: Saysomethingsaysomething. FOR GOD’S SAKE SAY SOMETHING!
B: What. I Want. To Say. Is. That—
Me: Wait! Wait! I know EXACTLY what you’re going to say and I MUST tell you that I CANNOT cope without—OUCH! Who’s kicking me under the table … oh it’s all my pygmy advisors who are hiding under the table listening in on our conversation. Tsk, tsk, don’t worry sweet pygmies. Koochie Coo. B is our fwend, he’s not going to send our bestest fwend into the wilderness, leaving us defenseless, no he’s not sweeties koochie coo—
B: I’VE HAD IT! I’M LEAVING!
BANG! DOOR SLAMS SHUT!
Me: What now, pygmies under the table?
Pygmies: Ssssh! Things are changing. We should start talking in code.
Me: okay, I’ll be “T” for “Tom”. Shahbaz is “J” for “Jerry”. B now has to be “S” for “Saas”. The PTI government is now sadly “B” for “Bahu”. Our new plan to fight both Saas and Jerry, who’ve clearly teamed up against Tom, is “K”. “K” is for “Kung-Fu” and in case you don’t know what Kung-Fu is, it’s how to kick people in Chinese.
Im the Dim
Me: Hello, hello, hello.
B: Hello.
Me: Milk is my favourite drink. Would you like some milkshake? Which flavor?
B: No milk, thanks. Regarding Fai—
Me: Favourite flavour? Please tell, am waiting eagerly to ask you your favourite flavour.
B: Not favourite flavour; what I really want to talk to you about is this long-delayed posti—
Me: Posti?!! Who?!! Me?!! It’s all propaganda, I assure you. Never, EVER, have I been a posti! What nonsense.
B: Sigh. Please. Just let me complete my senten—
Me: Sentence? Yes, yes. I’ve been waiting for you to sentence Shahbaz Sharif, bung him into prison and throw away the key. Why hasn’t that happened so far? WHY? OH WHY?
B: Can You Please. Calm. Down?
Me: Whomecalmdowncalmdowncalmdown?? WhenhaveIeverbeenfranticortenseornervouseverEVER?!
B: (LO-O-O-ONG SILENCE)
ME: Saysomethingsaysomething. FOR GOD’S SAKE SAY SOMETHING!
B: What. I Want. To Say. Is. That—
Me: Wait! Wait! I know EXACTLY what you’re going to say and I MUST tell you that I CANNOT cope without—OUCH! Who’s kicking me under the table … oh it’s all my pygmy advisors who are hiding under the table listening in on our conversation. Tsk, tsk, don’t worry sweet pygmies. Koochie Coo. B is our fwend, he’s not going to send our bestest fwend into the wilderness, leaving us defenseless, no he’s not sweeties koochie coo—
B: I’VE HAD IT! I’M LEAVING!
BANG! DOOR SLAMS SHUT!
Me: What now, pygmies under the table?
Pygmies: Ssssh! Things are changing. We should start talking in code.
Me: okay, I’ll be “T” for “Tom”. Shahbaz is “J” for “Jerry”. B now has to be “S” for “Saas”. The PTI government is now sadly “B” for “Bahu”. Our new plan to fight both Saas and Jerry, who’ve clearly teamed up against Tom, is “K”. “K” is for “Kung-Fu” and in case you don’t know what Kung-Fu is, it’s how to kick people in Chinese.
Im the Dim