I hope you liked my inaugural speech. It was simple and straightforward, like me. As usual, it elicited mixed opinions. Why must these hacks quibble over everything? Worse, they keep tripping me up with silly questions. As I wound up my speech, one journo asked me what I was going to do about the Kashmir issue. I told him I would liberate Kashmir. What if the Pak Army can’t liberate Kashmir, he asked. I’ll send in the Navy, I replied. There was a stunned silence, whereupon I surmised that the journo had been a bad boy again. I turned on him and told him, just you wait until I’m Prime Minister. Will you send me to jail for writing that you’ve got the strangest ideas, he asked. “You will be awarded one years Rigorous Imprisonment for calling out the prime minister”, I said benignly. “And a further four years for disclosing a state secret.”
The British prime minister Teresa May called to congratulate me. I thanked her and asked, given that Britain was leaving the EU, could she get us in instead. It’ll be such fun, we won’t need Schengen visas and I’ll be able to slip away for weekends at George and Amal Clooney’s villa on Lake Como.
I suppose I’ve now got to get used to rubbing shoulders with important people. Previously I used to rub shoulders with suntan lotion. I did a practice session with Jehangir Tareen, the most important person in current events. “Listen Jehangir”, and then I forgot what I had to say. He kept looking at me. I turned around to my other Right Hand Man and asked, “do you remember what I had to say?” My Right Hand Man said, “I can’t even remember what I had to say”. Jehangir said, “please practice neutral statements. That’s what you have to make whenever you meet important people.”
So I asked Asad Umar, my Finance Minister in waiting, “what do you think of Ishaq Dar’s management of the economy?” Asad said, “it would be very wrong of me to comment on Dar Sahab’s abysmal performance”. What a neutral statement, I thought.
I think I should now be allowed to sign off as ….
Im The King!