Howzzat

Now that the Delimitations Bill is through, there’s no hurdle in the path of elections. Elections which I’m going to sweep, incidentally. There was a time when I wasn’t keen on elections, and that’s because I had no votes. Back in the day, I was a staunch supporter of the Jirga system because it had nothing to do with votes. It was all about who’s a better Pakistani. And I’d win hands down, not because I’d get votes but because I’m the best possible sort of Pakistani.

After I become Prime Minister next year, I’m going to write a modern history of Pakistan. For inspiration, I will draw on that eternal classic “The Jungle Book”, written by a famous British colonialist called Walt Disney. All the characters who are currently ruining Pakistan, and standing in the way of my ascent to power, are in “The Jungle Book”.

Nawaz Sharif is Ka, the snake. Asif Zardari is King of the Monkeys. Altaf Hussain is Mowgli, the little black urchin. I’m Sher Khan, the tiger. Asfandyar Wali is Winnie The Pooh (and not even in “The Jungle Book”); the ANP is a sub-sect of the Gandhi-Nehru dynasty and contains outspoken women which is a very dangerous trend. But back to “The Jungle Book”, I obviously can’t tell you who Colonel Hathi is because you can’t point fingers at the army and become Prime Minister.

But I have to say that I didn’t take kindly to the Chief’s briefing to the Senate. What does he mean by saying he wants politicians to lead the peace process with India? Peace with India is a very bad thing: trade with India is even worse. I mean what’s the point of having Pakistan if everything’s going to be okay with India?

I suppose I’ll just have to shut my trap and put up with this lot until I, The Saviour, become Prime Minister, and pull this country back into the Middle Ages where it belongs.

Im the Dim