The complexity of frying an egg lies in the fact that there are precisely three things to be done in the process: Heat oil in a frying pan, break an egg and put it in the pan, and fry it. If you have never fried an egg in life, try this three-step method. I guarantee that you will have an egg in your face. Here is the reason why: the fewer steps there are in a preparation the less the room for error.
I have written this guide in the interest of humanity, and particularly to help spoiled Pakistani students headed away from home, where they will not have their mamas and domestic servants to cook for them. I was once myself in the same sorry situation and it is only after forty years of frying eggs that I feel qualified to write this guide!
Obviously, buying an egg is mandatory for frying one. In the West, at least, one is confronted with a bewildering array of choices for what you thought was the simplest of food items. There are standard white eggs, standard brown eggs, organic eggs, brown eggs, free range eggs, omega-3 eggs, vitamin enhanced eggs, vegetarian eggs and Easter eggs. Then the size comes into play: small, medium, large, extra large. My advice to the hapless buyer is to go for the cheapest extra-large white eggs – as long as they are chicken eggs and not Easter eggs. Make sure you check that the eggs are intact and that the box indeed contains extra large eggs since incidents have been reported where some crooked customers have slipped extra large eggs into a small eggs box to save money.
So the big day is here and you are about to fry the first egg of your life. It is not very different from your first kiss and thus fraught with risks and mistakes.
Take out the egg from the fridge and place it carefully on the kitchen countertop. Remember, eggs are oval and smooth and thus tend to roll off the surface, and that an egg on the floor is one of the most horribly difficult things to clean.
Now take a frying pan. This is where the newbie makes the first mistake – having bought from the Dollar Store the cheapest, shiniest, twelve inch pan. Such a frying pan, with its wafer-thin bottom, is good only for bopping over the head of a loved one. This frying pan is an enemy of the egg as the egg sticks to its overheated bottom like glue. Use a smaller, thick-bottomed pan instead.
Pour some oil in the frying pan. Be generous and pay no heed to the health-conscious idiots who like poached eggs. A little too much oil is better than a little too little oil if you love your eggs nice and greasy.
Assuming you know how to light an electric or gas stove, turn it on. If you do not know how to work a stove, consult YouTube or call your mama at home. Put the flame on medium to low heat.
If by now your egg has not slid off to the floor or you have not set the house on fire, you are ready to crack your first egg. There are more ways to crack an egg for frying than skinning a cat (not that I can figure out why a poor cat should be skinned). The methods range from using a hammer to cracking it with your hand and dropping it in the frying pan in one precise action (like the TV chefs). Beginners should be prepared to lose at least three eggs before they are able to successfully transfer the egg from the shell to the frying pan. It is best to use a table knife to crack the shell. Use moderate force. If you hit it too hard, the egg may disintegrate – leaving goo in your hand. Hit it too gently and it will crack but not sufficiently, thus as you struggle to drive out the egg to the frying pan small pieces of the shell will go with the egg. Once the egg is fried an attempt to remove these microscopic intruders can result in extreme frustration and frequent use of expletives. But worry not, in six months or so you will learn how to crack an egg correctly.
Congratulations, you have now delivered the first egg to the frying pan. If the egg yolk has remained intact in this traumatic process, you will have a fried egg. If the yolk is broken, just look wise, rapidly mix the whole mess up and call it “Gudd Mudd” egg.
Being a Pakistani, there is a good chance that you like your egg turned over. This cultural preference adds a further complication. To turn an egg over, the egg must not be sticking to the bottom. Also, a spatula with a thin edge is required to be inserted under the egg and flip it over. Anything less than a deft touch would result in breaking the yolk from the bottom and you will have the aforementioned Gudd Mudd. Once you have turned over an egg successfully, do not become complacent, as there are still two steps left in this complex procedure.
The timing of the final swooping down with the spatula to lift the turned-over egg from the pan and transferring it to the plate is crucial. Too early and the yolk will be a watery mess. Too late and it would be congealed. Note also that many amateurs make the crucial mistake of inserting the spatula too roughly under the egg, resulting in a broken yolk, thus undermining all the good work done that far. Finally, transfer the egg to the plate. Keep the plate close to the stove so that the chances of your culinary masterpiece slipping off the spatula are reduced.
Enjoy your fried egg and say “thank you” to the chicken and this guide. And if anyone tells you eggs are not good for your heart, tell them they are chickens…
I have written this guide in the interest of humanity, and particularly to help spoiled Pakistani students headed away from home, where they will not have their mamas and domestic servants to cook for them. I was once myself in the same sorry situation and it is only after forty years of frying eggs that I feel qualified to write this guide!
Obviously, buying an egg is mandatory for frying one. In the West, at least, one is confronted with a bewildering array of choices for what you thought was the simplest of food items. There are standard white eggs, standard brown eggs, organic eggs, brown eggs, free range eggs, omega-3 eggs, vitamin enhanced eggs, vegetarian eggs and Easter eggs. Then the size comes into play: small, medium, large, extra large. My advice to the hapless buyer is to go for the cheapest extra-large white eggs – as long as they are chicken eggs and not Easter eggs. Make sure you check that the eggs are intact and that the box indeed contains extra large eggs since incidents have been reported where some crooked customers have slipped extra large eggs into a small eggs box to save money.
Beginners should be prepared to lose at least three eggs before they are able to successfully transfer the egg from the shell to the frying pan
So the big day is here and you are about to fry the first egg of your life. It is not very different from your first kiss and thus fraught with risks and mistakes.
Take out the egg from the fridge and place it carefully on the kitchen countertop. Remember, eggs are oval and smooth and thus tend to roll off the surface, and that an egg on the floor is one of the most horribly difficult things to clean.
Now take a frying pan. This is where the newbie makes the first mistake – having bought from the Dollar Store the cheapest, shiniest, twelve inch pan. Such a frying pan, with its wafer-thin bottom, is good only for bopping over the head of a loved one. This frying pan is an enemy of the egg as the egg sticks to its overheated bottom like glue. Use a smaller, thick-bottomed pan instead.
Pour some oil in the frying pan. Be generous and pay no heed to the health-conscious idiots who like poached eggs. A little too much oil is better than a little too little oil if you love your eggs nice and greasy.
Assuming you know how to light an electric or gas stove, turn it on. If you do not know how to work a stove, consult YouTube or call your mama at home. Put the flame on medium to low heat.
If by now your egg has not slid off to the floor or you have not set the house on fire, you are ready to crack your first egg. There are more ways to crack an egg for frying than skinning a cat (not that I can figure out why a poor cat should be skinned). The methods range from using a hammer to cracking it with your hand and dropping it in the frying pan in one precise action (like the TV chefs). Beginners should be prepared to lose at least three eggs before they are able to successfully transfer the egg from the shell to the frying pan. It is best to use a table knife to crack the shell. Use moderate force. If you hit it too hard, the egg may disintegrate – leaving goo in your hand. Hit it too gently and it will crack but not sufficiently, thus as you struggle to drive out the egg to the frying pan small pieces of the shell will go with the egg. Once the egg is fried an attempt to remove these microscopic intruders can result in extreme frustration and frequent use of expletives. But worry not, in six months or so you will learn how to crack an egg correctly.
Congratulations, you have now delivered the first egg to the frying pan. If the egg yolk has remained intact in this traumatic process, you will have a fried egg. If the yolk is broken, just look wise, rapidly mix the whole mess up and call it “Gudd Mudd” egg.
Being a Pakistani, there is a good chance that you like your egg turned over. This cultural preference adds a further complication. To turn an egg over, the egg must not be sticking to the bottom. Also, a spatula with a thin edge is required to be inserted under the egg and flip it over. Anything less than a deft touch would result in breaking the yolk from the bottom and you will have the aforementioned Gudd Mudd. Once you have turned over an egg successfully, do not become complacent, as there are still two steps left in this complex procedure.
The timing of the final swooping down with the spatula to lift the turned-over egg from the pan and transferring it to the plate is crucial. Too early and the yolk will be a watery mess. Too late and it would be congealed. Note also that many amateurs make the crucial mistake of inserting the spatula too roughly under the egg, resulting in a broken yolk, thus undermining all the good work done that far. Finally, transfer the egg to the plate. Keep the plate close to the stove so that the chances of your culinary masterpiece slipping off the spatula are reduced.
Enjoy your fried egg and say “thank you” to the chicken and this guide. And if anyone tells you eggs are not good for your heart, tell them they are chickens…