The sovereignty of Pakistan has come under threat one more time. We have repeatedly thwarted attempts from global superpowers to subjugate or divide the country but our latest crisis comes from within. There is a group of invaders that has been infiltrating the country – one that reportedly likes to sit at dhabas and wear short skirts.
All our means for defending ourselves in Pakistan were designed to defend against external enemies – our missile defence systems are simply not equipped to deal with short skirts. Anything above the knee and we face a grave strategic situation.
The nation has already managed to exterminate one major threat when the authorities intercepted a social media video before it was uploaded. It has been rumoured that if the video had been uploaded it would have had the most harmful effects on our honour. A single social media video can mean centuries of zillat for the millat. A farmer remarked, “We do not have bijlee, food, kapra, or makaan, all we have is our izzat, if a video of a Pakistani woman wearing a short skirt is uploaded on this phaisbook, we will be left with nothing but our mangoes.”
Social media warriors and the defenders of Pakistan’s honour can rest for another day as the brave efforts by our Youth, in a joint operation with the government, has stopped the spread of vulgarity in Pakistan. Orya Maqbool Jan would only need to take 2 pills to control his blood pressure rather than the usual 10.
Due to the continued efforts to ensure that skirts remain at a decent and acceptable level the government has not been able to allocate any efforts to stop terrorism, so the nation has seen an increase in violence – but that is the price you pay for decency. The fallout from a single woman sitting in a public space wearing a skirt will be far greater than a nuclear strike! The government has carefully weighed out all options while allocating resources here.
“We are a country of the Himalayas. Women should be adequately covered to avoid frostbite”
PEMRA has been at the forefront of the country’s defence against vulgarity. Think about it: some of our valiant sons have spent hours upon hours watching Pakistani content carefully, measuring each inch of skin to ensure it stays within the permissible limit. Our hearts go out to all the brave fighters under the PEMRA battle standard, who daily risk their lives thanks to the boredom of watching Pakistani media content. No wonder so many of them took to the internet for some relief from it all.
The government is also starting a relief operation with emergency packs of burqas, Nazrain Neechay chasmay and horse blinkers for all men in Pakistan affected by this latest wave of skin-flaunting militancy. The interior ministry took the view: “If women want to wear skirts, they should move to India, where the hot weather is a lot more appropriate for women to wear such things. We are a country of the Himalayas, women should be adequately covered to avoid frostbite.”
When reporters informed the relevant minister about the heat wave in the rest of the country he simply proclaimed Sindh was the PPP’s domain and the federal government would get no votes there in the next election, so they don’t care. Meanwhile a PPP minister said women in Sindh dying of the heat while wearing a black burqa should not complain as they will be declared national heroes for helping to protect everyone’s morals.
Much like all the times in our history when we defended ourselves against immense odds, it is time for all of Pakistan to respond to this call for a holy war. The struggle will continue against women being recognised as human beings and being allowed basic fundamental rights that men have enjoyed for years. Pakistan simply does not have enough resources for all of us – we have already been working on denying people rights along religious and ethnic lines. It is time we take this policy of exclusion forward, so as to ensure a maximum number of resources for our brave men and boys.
If all men started being interested in sitting at dhabas and looking at women wearing skirts, who would help conquer the world when our time comes? We need men to be men and we need women to be what men want, for Pakistan to succeed – or at least for the status quo to remain and the powerful to stay powerful even if it is at the expense of half the population.