“I want to thank King Salman for his extraordinary wealth. I am honoured to be received by such gracious hosts – hosts who have in the past and will in the future continue to give me money and more business. I have always heard about the splendour of your country and tweeted about how you are a terrorist state but your money has managed to change my opinion. Everything is huge.
You also hosted me in the treasured home of King Abdul Aziz, a name I did not know before my speech writer handed me this speech. King Salman: your father would be so proud to see that our countries are continuing our arms agreement. Today we begin a new chapter with a lot more bombs: a new chapter that will bring lasting benefits to our citizens and death to unbelievers who dare to disagree.
Let me now also extend my deep and heartfelt gratitude to each and every one of the distinguished heads of state who made this journey here today. I could not bother going to all of your countries so I just asked all of you to be here like an Islamic country buffet. Face it Nawaz, I will never come to Pakistan and you love coming to Saudia so it is a win-win!
I stand before you as a representative of the American People, even though I lost the popular election. You know what I am talking about folks? I don’t need to talk about rigging an election and winning despite having no popularity to a room full of dictators.
That is why I chose to make my first foreign visit a trip to the heart of the Muslim world because as per my new foreign policy none of you can come to the United States. I am not sure they will let Air Force One back in since it has now been to Saudia Arabia.
Ban all Muslims, except the rich ones and my friends.
In my inaugural address to the American People, I pledged to strengthen America’s oldest friendships, and to build new partnerships in pursuit of peace. I also told the whiners and the losers to deal with me being President. Make America Great Again.
“If you do not want to get bombarded by our missiles, buy our missiles. One way or another you are getting our missiles”
Our vision is one of peace, security, and prosperity — a vision achieved by bombing everything. There is no peace without Tomahawk missiles, no security without xenophobia and no prosperity without genocide. Also red caps for everyone.
Our goal is a coalition of nations who share the aim of stamping out extremism – all extremism except our own. We are against any kind of extremism that clashes with our extremism. There must only be one kind of extremism – ours.
Even though we have nothing in common in our beliefs. We are united by our thirst for power and our desire for more money.
And providing our children a hopeful future that does honour to God – but just our children. The children of the rest of the world we don’t care for.
And so we have this historic and unprecedented gathering of leaders — unique in the history of nations — unique because if you had tried to do this without us we would have assassinated all of you. You can’t have an Islamic Countries Organisation without I, Donald J. Trump, as the head of it.
For Americans, this is an exciting time. I do something every day to make sure it is exciting for them. They will never be bored whilst I am President. Nobody is even waiting for the new seasons of House of Cards and Veep. My presidency has taken over from those shows.
We have made record investments in our military so thank you for all your money. It will enhance our friendship and the security of the world – till we attack you for being a sponsor of terrorism but we will only do that if you stop paying us.
Yesterday, we signed historic agreements with the Kingdom that will invest almost $400 billion in our two countries and create many thousands of jobs in America and Saudi Arabia. People of Saudi Arabia and America will see no discernible increase in their way of living. The poor will remain poor and the homeless will die but the countries will get richer. I am sure as they are dying of abject poverty, they will be happy to see their country’s GDP numbers. They will die in bliss.
This landmark agreement includes the announcement of a $110 billion Saudi-funded defense purchase – and this is not the Defense Housing Authority that Nawaz is used to. I see you in the audience Nawaz. No more pies for you. You and Chris Christie are going on a diet.
This agreement will help the Saudi military in their security. Sorry I chuckled there. I promise folks they will only use it for defense. I am sorry I cannot keep a straight face while I say that. Make Saudia Arabia Great Again.
We have also started selling the same deal to the many countries present here. If you do not want to get bombarded by our missiles, buy our missiles. One way or another you are getting our missiles.
Later today, we will make history again with the opening of a new Global Center for Combating Extremist Ideology — located right here, in this central part of the Islamic World because irony is dead.
America is a sovereign nation and our first priority is always the safety and security of our citizens so if you think about planning another 9/11, make sure to call us first so we can hide our families and just let the poor people die. Also we’ll bomb Afghanistan if that ever happens again.
Young Muslim boys and girls should be able to grow up free from fear, safe from violence, and innocent of hatred. All that can be achieved if they simply never watch any of my other speeches. Forget that I ever said Islam hates us and Muslims are our enemies.
The only thing Muslim boys and girls should be afraid of is being shot at in America by one of my supporters exercising their constitutional right to bear arms or one of my immigration officers taking their family away and dumping them across the border in the middle of the night.
But, in sheer numbers, the deadliest toll has been exacted on the innocent people of Arab, Muslim and Middle Eastern nations. I would know because most of it has been exacted by the United States of America. My condolences for all the destruction and let this be a heads-up for all the bombs that are on their way.
This is a battle between Good and Evil and since we all stand together it is clear to all of us which side we are standing on.
Thank you. God Bless You. God Bless Your Countries. And God Bless the United States of America. And most of all, God Bless your money. “