The battle lines have been drawn, tactical plans have been made and battalions have all been called into action, Pakistan and India are about to have a war…on Facebook.
The usual hub of support for the PTI is now the (literal) domain of warmongers, so much so that even Imran Khan is not marching in the latest PTI protest. Mirroring Wasim Akram’s iconic dialogue in the classic No Smoking advertisement, Imran Khan did not attend the joint parliament session!
As the political leaders are meeting for Nihari, Halwa and Sindhi Biryani, the actual warriors of Pakistan are all on the front lines sacrificing their internet bandwidth and mobile data – risking injuries like the carpal tunnel syndrome, usually caused by repetitive visit to websites only accessible through proxies.
Every Pakistani is willing to fight in the name of our country, especially if it involves insulting the mother and sister of an average Indian on Facebook. What better way to raise the morale of our soldiers than to unnecessarily spread hate and hurl abuses creating war-like conditions that will put that very soldier’s life at risk?
If a soldier is to lose his life in battle, then rest assured our politicians will use the death to further their political interests, our Facebook warriors will share images of the dead in an undignified manner and we will all forget about it as soon as the war is over.
Just like Noor Jehan’s songs boosted morale during the 1965 war, I am sure soldiers on the LOC go through Twitter to read all our tweets and check out our Facebook cover photos to feel better about themselves.
The actual warriors of Pakistan are all on the front lines, sacrificing their internet bandwidth and mobile data
Let’s have a war. Ever since the MQM has been effectively shut down by the MQM, there are hardly any calls for strikes in Karachi and I am tired of going to work each day. I envy people in Syria who get so many holidays. If we had a war, I could just stay at home and fight with Indians all day on Facebook and fulfill my constitutional duty to Pakistan.
Let’s have a war because I have never studied world history and just looking at pictures online of battles makes me think war is really cool. I would really like to go back in time and meet this Hitler fella.
Let’s have a war because we have not kept nuclear bombs to use on Shab-e-Baraat – for that we have the regular C4 and IEDs. You just need to turn a key and press a button to launch a nuclear missile – how much harm can that do? I turn keys and press buttons all day. The other day I pressed a button and left the food in the microwave for too long, it really hurt because the plate was too hot. Please make sure nobody does that ever again, I don’t want anyone to unnecessarily feel pain. I digress though: let’s use all our nuclear bombs on India.
Let’s have a war because even if, in a nuclear war, India kills 200 million of us, we will be able to kill 400 million of them. Simple mathematics says that is a success. We will have killed two Indians for every Pakistani, so what if all of us are dead and nobody is there to gloat about our success?
Let’s have a war because I live in Karachi which is not on the border. I can wear green and white and beat my chest around the world as people die on both sides of the border. Even if Karachi was to be attacked, I am going to get on the first flight out of here. Don’t worry I’ll arrange a war protest in New York, I am sure that is braver than anybody actually fighting in the war.
So much easier to blame everything on Pakistan and spend on nukes than to push the average daily income of every Indian up by a dollar
Let’s have a war because India always beats us in cricket matches in ICC tournaments and I for one still want revenge for Misbah-ul-Haq not pushing us to victory singlehandedly in the inaugural ICC World T20.
Let’s have a war because otherwise we will have to actually deal with all our internal issues. If India cannot blame everything on Pakistan, how will all the poor and marginalised people be duped into not worrying about their social status and class? It is hate for the other that keeps them not thinking about hospitals, schools and infrastructure. So much easier to just blame everything on Pakistan and spend money on nukes than to push the average daily income of every Indian up by even a dollar.
Let’s have a war mainly because Game of Thrones is not coming back for another few months and I am bored. It will be like watching a TV show from the comfort of my home, except it will be for real. So. Much. Fun.