Guys, I have something extremely serious to discuss with you today. In the month of August 2016, eight Pakistani’s died taking selfies - five on the same day.
On August 21, 2016, various media outlets reported that three women died in Naran when they were buried under a glacier whilst trying to take a selfie in a (most definite) dangerous locale. On the very same day, it was reported that a woman drowned in the Kunhar River in northern Pakistan when she was trying to take a selfie, and her cousin, who jumped in to save her, drowned as well. Earlier, on August 16, a young girl had died in the very same way - by drowning in the Kunhar River during a selfie session - and her parents, who attempted to rescue her, had been swept away by the rocky and tumultuous (yet absolutely stunning) stream.
People, this isn’t just the August Curse making its way from Russia to poor old Pakistan. Selfie deaths have be been taking place since forever (2013 to be exact, but still). Like, for example, in June 2015, the police shot two schoolboys while they were taking selfies with a toy gun in Faisalabad. Oh, and folks, selfie deaths are a global phenomenon. People have been squished by moving trains, smothered with rapid gunfire, blown up by live grenades, attacked by bulls, and shot themselves in the face all whilst trying to take the ultimate selfie to impress their FB and Insta friends - damn.
Research research research! Chances are the stupid thing you're about to do has already taken some lives
***
Elections at the elite country club were a special occasion for all those men who had spent years immersing themselves in the culture of the club. Some loved playing golf every Sunday while others enjoyed games of Poker in the billiard rooms. Whatever their hobby, these men had formed a bond much like that formed by women who often attend GT’s and commaitee parties. They all wanted to rise to the top and knock each other off the boat, but they couldn’t really live without each other for more than a few days.
Ramzan was a vocal and popular member of the club. He had first fallen in love with the place when he was sixteen, and would often visit the club with his friends to score orange juice form the parking lot. Soon, the club became his life. He started taking tennis lessons and eventually made his way to the golf course, where he met people who became his lifelong friends and companions. Now, at the age of 45, Ramzan has decided to fight for a place on the board.
“Shehryar, I want you to make a list of all the members of the board,” Ramzan addressed his best friend and newly appointed campaign manager. “We know someone has been embezzling cash from the club for years now, and we will make sure everyone knows that before the election.”
People all over the world are willing to go very far for Facebook likes
“I will get on right away,” Shehryar replied. ‘I do have one question though…how will we ever determine who stole the money? We can’t really make claims we can’t support…”
“We can’t?’ Ramzan inquired, smirking. “You’re right. That’s why we will blame the whole lot of them. Let them fight with each other and figure it out! This will surely put me in a good place for the election.”
***
Guys, before you find yourselves caught up in an unexpected (and frankly horrendous) game of ‘Selfie or Die’, here are some precautions you should take when attempting to capture the selfie of your life.
Be smart. It is of utmost importance that you know what you are getting yourself into. How many likes are worth getting into this potentially bad situation?
Be aware. Are you in your senses? Are you prepared to handle any accidents that may arise from this situation? Make sure you list down all the potential ways you may die during your selfie sesh, and prepare yourself to overcome each and every one of them.
Research research research! Has someone else died before taking a selfie in a similar fashion? Chances are the stupid thing you’re about to do has already taken some lives as it is.
Selfies - now perhaps as important to Pakistanis as is cricket
***
The week before the election, Ramzan’s popularity had taken a big hit. Word on the street was that people had begun to mistrust Ramzan after his allegations against the existing board had been exposed for lack of credibility. In fact, a few people had gone as far as to claim that certain members of the board were living less fabulous lifestyles than Ramzan’s weed dealer. Ramzan had to give people something else to talk about, and he called Shehryar as soon as he figured out what that would be.
“Sheru,” he spoke with immediate urgency. “I have a plan. Are you with me?”
“Perhaps…”
“Okay then, onwards to the club!’ Ramzan proclaimed. ‘Let’s get some underprivileged kids together and treat them to ice cream or something there. We can also take some selfies and post them on Foodies R Us - really show people that we care.”
