Counsel from the Council

Move over CIE, there is a new organisation with a three-letter acronym that wants our souls.

As usual the media has pounced upon limited information and defamed the revered Council of Islamic Ideology based on it. We are talking of the CII – the very organisation that has brought us classics like declaring the prohibition of child marriages un-Islamic.

As a proud husband of my fourteen-year-old wife I have no vested interests in supporting the CII but I am a true journalist. I do not rely on facts, I have my own beliefs and I then look for information that reinforces those beliefs.

The intentions of the CII have been massively misunderstood. They only seek to protect women. They know what cruel intentions men have towards women as they are men too and they have those intentions. Their intention to exclude women from society is simply to protect women from themselves. You cannot expect a man to control his carnal desire – you have to punish women for making men think dirty things.

Why are we focusing on protecting women? Why is there no focus on protecting the hair of men?

Once women are out of the way, only a small minority of men will get the same thoughts looking at animals. But we have to take one step at a time. We can propose the separation of sexes in all animals next year.

For now the bare minimum has been proposed. The husband can only lightly beat his wife, specifically limited to a hat, handkerchief or turban. Violence is when Salman Khan slingshots a ganday ka phool on Madhuri’s bum, violence is when Christian Grey romances with Anastasia Rose Steele, playing topi topi with your wife is not violence.

Women should only be hit with light stuff and people who hit women with light stuff should be hit with tube light stuff.

If beating someone was violence, the entire world of cricket has committed violence against our cricket team.

If to beat is violence, the crows at my workplace commit violence against me each day.

I am not a misogynist. There is absolutely no good reason to ever commit violence against your wife, except when the Biryani does not taste good. What else can you do? Eat a bad Biryani and not hit someone? Like Justin Bieber’s first collaboration, that is ludicrous.

Maulana Sherani has himself clarified that people need to stay away from violins. He personally prefers cellos, unless of course if they are women. Women need to be kept away from music and if you want further evidence from that, try to listen to the back-vocals on every Coke Studio song ever. The only thing worse than those are when the back vocalist becomes a featured artist on the track. Neeray Aah? More like durr ja, durrr durr durrr durrr, I literally prefer Bilal Maqsood sounding like a woman on a track than an actual woman on a track.

Why are we simply focusing on protecting women? Why is there no focus on protecting the hair of men? Maula Sherani himself said, “If women start beating their men in the head, the men would get bald.” Anybody who has seen a Pakistani bald man will agree that subjugating half the population is better than laying your eyes on that monstrosity. You think Nawaz Sharif would have become Prime Minister again without a hair transplant?

The masses are ignoring the nuances of the proposal. A man cannot willy-nilly beat his wife like she is her property (which she is) but there are strict conditions that allow a man to beat his wife – like if she talks loudly, says ‘no’ or exists. Also, if she gives monetary support to anyone without her husband’s consent, anybody who has ever played monopoly with a girl will know why this clause was essential. Women cannot be trusted with money – this is why we do not have a Habiba bank or Sambi bank or Female Muslim Commercial bank.

Female nurses are also not allowed to tend to male patients. I would like to thank CII for that clause. I cannot remember the number of times I have been embarrassed after going to a hospital, with a nurse telling me things like “lait jao”, “shirt utar kar x-ray machine kay sath kharay hojao” or “bistar par char jao”, I am a man, how can I possibly know that she is telling me to do those things as part of a routine medical procedure? All I am thinking is “scene on hai”.

The CII also proposes to get rid of the evil that is co-education system, I was in a co-education school for all my life and I am still single so you tell me: what is the point to a coeducational system at all? How can I be expected to concentrate on my studies when Shagufta has her hair tied up in a ponytail? I love ponytails.

I applaud the CII for their efforts. They should go an extra mile – they should ban families from having both sons and daughters. Families should choose one and stick to that. This is Pakistan, not Westeros.

In fact husbands and wives should also not be allowed to live together. You do not know what might happen if these two sexes are allowed to freely roam together.

It is time our country comes up with another Two Nation Theory. Women and Men are different fundamentally and they cannot live in the same physical space. We should have a Pakistan and a Womanistan – we need another country to subjugate anyway since we lost Bangladesh.