I think it’s time I admit that my personality has completely changed since I’ve moved back from the States. I’ve become high-strung, tense, and generally pessimistic, which is something I find in most of my friends and acquaintances. My transformation from darling to gnarling has been steep and uncompromised, but I have managed to find a few ways to relax amidst all the madness and fear. Yes darlings, today I shall enlighten you with a few ways that you too can chill out and break free (your welcome in advance).
Option 1: Have a nice warm cup of tea. In fact, you can crush some cake and biscuits and stuff them inside your cup of tea to make a fantastic pudding that will definitely do the trick!
Option 2: Eat McDonalds. Is there anything better than knowingly eating something that may not be real food, but tastes so much better? Let the carbs do the healing.
J-driving
"Hide this taweez under your daughter's bed. And make her fat. She will go out in bad company less and less!"
Option 3: BedLife. Spend your day in bed watching TV, reading a book, or surfing the Internet. Whatever you do, you will find peace once you become one with the bed (can take up to 7 hours).
Option 4: Pamper yourself. Girls, and boys, there is nothing wrong with getting a nice facial, massage, and mani-pedi to kickstart your week. Trust me, you’ll feel better when you look better.
Option 5: Lie. If someone is making your life difficult, just lie to them about where you are and what you’re up to. If you do it with a smile, it’s sure to give you a few hours to unwind.
Option 6: Steal. Kleptomania is generally looked down upon, but there’s nothing wrong with swiping a few things once a while to make yourself feel like you have control. Now, I’m (unfortunately) too cowardly for this type of thing, but I’ve seen many people resort to stealing in my lifetime, and their life seems to have worked out much better than mine.
It was a cool and stormy afternoon in mid-summer Lahore. Rain was drizzling down from the grey-blue sky onto the heat-stricken earth, like ointment to a wound or care package to a refugee child. It was the perfect time to go on a J-drive. This is perhaps the most special gift offered by this city - the long and winding ring road helps many a young adult to relax and let go - to chill. J-driving, I assume, is illegal in most parts of the world. Karachi, even with its liquor stores and ‘no need to wear tights under your tight dress’ liberties, cannot provide its residents with the luxury of a smooth and traffic-free drive within city limits. No, this is unique to Lahore. It makes Lahore beautiful. Therefore, you can imagine how I excited I was when a few of us decided to squeeze into a friend’s car and drive around the city smoking J’s and listening to music. I was frantically searching my dresser for my stash when my mother - the sole enemy of relaxation - walked into my room holding up a black mass covered in plastic. “Is this cocaine?” she hissed, shaking with fury and frothing at the mouth. I stared at her in dismay, lost in the depths of this strangely comic moment. At that very instant, my phone—which lay upside on the dresser where my mother could easily see—beeped. The words ‘coke out’ appeared on my screen, followed immediately by ‘come out.’ The universe is a strange place.
***
Option 8: Disassociation (warning: only be used in times of extreme desperation).
When times get tough, trick your mind into believing that you absolutely could not have changed the situation no matter how hard you tried. Perhaps you were sick. If you decide that illness prevented you from making your life better, then let the illness take control and envelop your physical being. Give it the freedom to cause you a fever or a bad cough, or to make you bed-ridden for days on end. If you believe, it will be real. Now, illness isn’t your only option. Perhaps it was someone else’s fault all along. If you decide that someone else is to blame for your misfortune, then punish them. Make their life difficult. Let the misery transfer from your being onto theirs. Your mind is a powerful bastion - if it amasses enough negative energy, use it destroy someone else.
The next day, Mona found herself staring down a trashed street in Anarkali. She was nervous, as many had been before her, but it was her time to seek help. Slowly but surely, Mona made her way down the street and up a bleak and worn staircase to Rahu Baba’s den. Rahu Baba had become famous in her social circle after he had helped Romana save her son from the grips of a wretched, and very poor, vixen (read ‘Genie in a Locket’ by Zara C. Churri, available on TFT’s website). If Rahu Baba could save Romana’s vast fortune, he could definitely save Mona’s daughter. Rahu Baba sat on a large dank pillow, swinging back and forth, eyes as red as the few hairs that stuck out of his bald head. “What you want, my child?” he asked, finally becoming aware of Mona’s presence. ‘My daughter is addicted to cocaine’, Mona replied, handing him the black mass. Rahu Baba looked at the all-to-familiar object in his hand, but didn’t bother to correct Mona. Instead, he decided to offer help. “Take this taweez (locket) and hide it under your daughter’s bed. And make her fat. You will find your daughter will go out in bad company less and less!” As she exited Anarkali, Mona felt optimistic. Having a fat daughter was a tough choice to make, but she could always starve Zara before any major rishstas came.
