There is a strange mountain you see if you drive far enough along the Karakorum Highway, perhaps a couple of days before you hit the Chinese border at Khunjerab Pass.
“Duh,” you are thinking, my reader, and flicking your hair in disdain, “There are mountains everywhere in that area…”
“Yes,” I reply, eyeing your hair with envy, “but this particular mountain is different.” Half the mountain was pink, and the other half blue, and the two tones took equal shares of the mountain, separated by the straightest line I’d ever seen in nature. It was as if someone had created a massive modern art installation in the Neolithic period but didn’t think to leave a note.
The mountain looks like it does because it is the exact location, the literal and honest-to-god place, where the exposed bits of two of Earth’s tectonic plates meet above ground. One plate is a warm pink, the other an electric blue (oddly gendered) and both are responsible for creating the massive mountain ranges of which Pakistanis are so rightfully proud (FYI, I’m talking about the rocks here, not the nuts). I didn’t know at the time that this country sat on a geological fault line. It was something one encountered in warnings for places like California or Indonesia, where breaking apart and drifting off into the Life of Pi is less a possibility and more an eventuality.
[quote]There could be a fresh methane flavored seafood buffet, full-moon parties, snorkeling in the grey seas…[/quote]
We actually rest on the intersection of three different plates – the Indian, the Eurasian and the Arabian. Some sod out there is going to look at this configuration only to smile stupidly and say how God has made us the host of subterranean world peace, and how marvelous it is to be so uniquely positioned in such a confirmation of divine favor. The truth is we are three times more likely to die in an inferno/earthquake/catastrophe but that’s as true above ground here as it is below.
The downside of all our geological relevance is that, when you look at the fault lines and are at all prone to anxiety, you realize that the it runs straight through the country, dividing Fata and Baluchistan from the rest of the provinces neatly and with apparent forethought. I have nothing to add to that, except what our collective imaginations are already conjuring up. I will say that eventually someone is going to realize that you can literally shift our landmass based on politics, and the sooner someone thinks of a game-plan the better that will be for everyone. There is no reason to think that Pakistan is not already involved in some kind of salacious and secret subterranean solstice…
The reason I began reminiscing about the tectonic plates was because I heard news of a wonderful little Island that erupted like a pimple off the coast of Gwadar after a horrifically deadly earthquake. The pictures are stunning, and make it look like something from outer space (or inner fear). A few moments after the quake, locals reported seeing a big mass of land rising off the coast that wasn’t there before. Soon NASA and Google Earth confirmed the sighting and – ta da! – we have an island. I am and have always been a big fan of islands, especially ones that rise from the sea like Botticelli’s Venus.
[quote]Talk of islands implies the kind of rested, laid-back, tanned and sensual summer vibe I so long for in Pakistan[/quote]
Talk of islands implies the kind of rested, laid-back, tanned and sensual summer vibe I so long for in Pakistan. (In opposition to the in-land, dusty, angry, I’m-gonna-get-you vibe we all know so well.) How marvelous that we should have a radical new opportunity for such a vibe on Bikini Island (my name for it, let’s see if its sticks).
If I were the superstitious kind – and my psychic assures me I’m not – I might think that a steaming poisonous thing appearing after a magnificently destructive earthquake might portend something bad for us as a people. As it happens, everything is bad for us as a people, and so I resolve to make that steaming pile of _____ a holiday destination, if only for the few months that we’re told it’ll be there. The possibilities are endless: Bikini Island could be the place to see and be seen, the place to meander and be mean; there could be a fresh methane flavored seafood buffet, full-moon parties, snorkeling in the grey seas, Spot-the-Tortoise games, and even a little yoga retreat by the rocky shore.
Since the island is in essence a volcano of mud, when things do start to sink we could turn it into a boom for Armageddon Tourism: boatloads of people ferried on and off a sinking island in a close approximation of the End of Days, everyone breathlessly reciting Scripture and waiting to end up like the extras in Titanic’s water scenes. If anything, this is where the new Atlantis Resort and Hotel should be.
But most importantly, I think Bikini Island a most excellent location to host the negotiations with the Taliban that our country’s leadership and that Folk Hero Imran Khan are proposing. I’m not going to go into the logic of negotiating with terrorists who are bent on destroying whatever remains of this polity, that is for minds far more disturbed than mine. It makes as much sense as the offer to have the Taliban open up an office (you know, with stationary and stuff) in KPK, so logic doesn’t really apply.
But when they do negotiate, I really want them to do it on that steaming pile of mud off the coast. I mean, it’s a perfectly neutral and unsullied spot, with sea views and built-in, pro-Taliban security (doesn’t the Army hang out in Baluchistan these days?).
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