too have jumped on to the Raymond Davis band wagon and apart from making as much political capital out of it as I can, I also wish to establish the principle that beggars
be choosers. Sadly, I’m not the only one trying to establish this. My competitor for the pot of gold at the end of the Raymond Davis rainbow is Shah Mahmood Qureshi. And that’s not the only thing we have in common. We’re both deeply in love with ourselves. We’re both used to working with shitty teams. And we’re both in with the khakis.
Recently we were both called to a secret meeting with the top brass. They asked us about our ideas on governance. I said we should first be required to build a great monument to the glorious fatherland when we come to power. While Shah Mahmood banged on about building replicas of that radioactive mountain in Chaghi, Balochistan, I cut in with my unique vision. “I will build a timeless monument on Islamabad’s Constitution Avenue. It will be a Persian wheel which will symbolize the great fatherland of Pakistan which has been going round and round in circles for the last 62 years. And I would also put up a huge dome (which is a big, round, empty thing) to express the yawning emptiness of Pakistan’s exchequer.” They were all pleased with my proposals and quickly got up to leave the room.
“Just a minute,” I said. “how about some money for my hospital?” They sighed and said, “ok, would you like to say a few words?” I said, “hello” and “hi” and “give” and “charity” and “nice”. I was going to say a few more words but they stopped me. Then I thought desperately about what else to say. So I said, “If Nawaz Sharif thinks he can go it alone in toppling Zardari, he’s mistaken”, and they all brightened up. “He keeps inviting all sorts of politicians for consultations, except me. Well, the next time I have Mick Jagger and Prameshwar Godrej over for one of my summits in the Costa del Sol, I’m not inviting Nawaz”. They all fell silent. I tried again, “I know! I’ll get multinationals to sponsor army regiments which we might otherwise have to shut down if the Americans cut off aid”. “What do you mean?” they asked. “I mean in future it’ll be Lux Armoured Corps, Coke Artillery Regiment and Pepsi Signals Corps”. They all looked at each other and then a general asked me to wait outside while they made up their minds about my proposals. I sat outside for a long time. Eventually I went back into the room and discovered that they’d all left by a back door. I wonder where they went.
Im the Dim